Previously in the encouragement series, we considered some general principles for encouragement. As we consider specific people in our lives that might be the target of our encouragement efforts, these principles will still apply. We should seek to be attentive, be intentional, be specific, and be timely with our encouraging words and actions. However, as we look at how we can encourage distinct people in our lives, we will consider practical ways that we can put these principles into practice.
When it comes to encouragement, the person who should be the number one recipient of our efforts should be our spouse. There is no human relationship that is more important, and the relationship we have with our spouse is a sacred one (Ephesians 5:31). Conceivably, we are the person who knows our spouse the best so we should be the one who is most equipped to strengthen them with our words and deeds. Unfortunately, this familiarity often breeds apathy, and instead of being their loudest cheerleaders, we can be their harshest critics. When we know someone well, not only do we know all the wonderful things about them, but we also know the areas in which they struggle. Far too often our attention is focused on pointing out areas of deficiency rather than in emboldening them with our confidence and exhortation. If we want to be people of encouragement (and as already discussed, we should!), we should be committed to making sure there is far more encouragement preceding from our mouths when we talk with and about our spouse. How can we ensure that we are strengthening the hearts of our spouses rather than obliterating their courage? Here are five ways:
1. Invest time in your spouse’s interests
It has often been observed that “opposites attract” and while this may not be universally true, it is unlikely that we marry someone who shares all our interests. While dating, people are often quick to invest time doing what their special someone likes; this willingness often diminishes after recitation of the marriage vows. However, it doesn’t need to be this way. Investing time in our spouse’s interests not only helps us get to know them better and builds our relationship, but it also will likely encourage their hearts. When we invest time in something that is important to them, we are demonstrating that we value and treasure them and as a result we are willing to set aside time that could be used to pursue our own interests to pursue something they prefer. Please do not wrongly interpret this; I’m not stating that every interest of your spouse has to become an interest of yours. However, I am saying that if you want to encourage them there is perhaps no more effective way to do this than demonstrating that you value what they value, and therefore you are willing to sacrifice time and invest it in something that is important to them.
2. Say thank you often (and mean it)
I have often related how my mom routinely thanked my dad every time my family went out to dinner. For some, I’m sure this probably seems strange, but as I’ve looked back over their relationship it is one of the things that I treasure most about it. Saying “thank you” demonstrates that you appreciate the other person, and appreciation is vital for encouragement. When we say, “thank you” to our spouse, even for things that we have grown to “expect,” we communicate that we continue to appreciate who they are and how they make a difference in our lives, even in things that have become routine. When we receive heartfelt gratitude, our hearts are uplifted as we realize that what we do matters – at least to the one who said, “thank you.” If you want to encourage your spouse, be quick to thank them – for big and for small things. You may think they know that you appreciate their efforts, but you should express it anyway. Even if you are not the direct recipient of their sacrifice and consideration, you can express your appreciation for how they serve others – whether it is your kids, your church, their work, or your community. Every time you do so you are likely to boost their spirits and to encourage their heart in the tasks that they do and the efforts that they expend on behalf of others.
3. Be quick to acknowledge the good
After being married for a while, it can be easy to feel like you have already verbally pointed out the things you like and admire about your spouse. What tends to happen next is that the focus of our words centers on the things that we wish were different. Instead of being quick to criticize, we should be quick to celebrate the good things about our spouse – even if they are things that we have pointed out before. Particularly for women, there is a temptation to desire for our husband to be more expressive with their words of affection, and yet our words are less than infused with loving acknowledgements of their attributes and character. Let’s strive to be quick to tell our spouse the things that we like about them, and slow (and prayerful) about pointing out a contrary preference or opinion. It costs you nothing to acknowledge the positive aspects of your spouse’s character or talents, but it can be invaluable to them.
4. Speak well of your beloved
One of the most impactful ways to encourage your spouse is to speak well of them – to them, but also to your kids, friends, co-workers, and extended family members. Whether they hear you speaking about them or not, they will eventually learn that when you talk about them to others your words are either filled with affirmation or disparagement. How disheartening it would be if we learned that our spouse was frequently disclosing our shortcomings or even our quirks! In contrast, how uplifting it would be if when people encountered us, our spouse’s good words had already created a positive impression of who we are. May our words about our spouse give grace to those who hear (Ephesians 4:29), and when our spouse hears about them, may our words bring grace to them as well.
5. Listen without distraction
In a world where we have a thousand things competing for our attention, one of the most effective ways for encouraging our spouse is to listen to them with focused attention. This may mean setting aside time at the end of the day to “catch up” after the kids are asleep, or it may mean that we intentionally place our electronic devices out of the room to thwart any temptation to “just check real quick” on what the latest notification is. It also may require that we prayerfully ask God to quiet our hearts as we talk to our spouse so that we don’t let the things on our to-do list consume our mind while they are sharing about their day. Unfortunately for many couples, it may be that the only times where they are truly communicating with their spouse without distraction is when there is a disagreement, and they are eager to make sure that they get their own point across. May we be “quick to listen” and “slow to speak” (and therefore, hopefully slow to become angry, Ephesians 4:29) to demonstrate how much we treasure and value the words that our spouses say. This will be a great encouragement to the one we have committed to for life.
It is easy to see why, when the writers of the Wizard of Oz wanted to portray someone who lacked courage, they choose the lion without a heart. When a heart is weak (or in the case of the lion, completely lacking), it is nearly impossible to be brave. Therefore, when we want to fill someone else with courage (i.e. when we want to encourage them), our job is to strengthen their hearts. If we are married, our desire should be that our spouse is emboldened to live faithfully and courageously for God. We have a role to play in making that happen. Let us be our spouse’s most consistent encourager so that they are strengthened to valiantly follow Christ.
Previous posts from this series on encouragement, can be found here.
