The Pain of Humilty

I have a muscle in my right shoulder that regularly spasms. Its the result of years of bad posture and poor muscle development. It’s a constant reminder to me that my mother probably was always right. After all, she was the one who constantly told me to stop slouching even when I didn’t think I was.

Recently I discovered that more than at any other time my muscle spasms in church. I always thought that this was because of the construction of the chairs, but I actually think it may be something different. Whether I’m singing or I’m listening to a sermon, when I’m in church I’m reminded of how lowly I am especially in comparison to an awesome God. My body’s response to this recognition is to slouch forward, a characteristic sign of humble circumstances. I realize my worthlessness contrasted with His worth and I must bow before Him.

What’s noteworthy is how unnatural this is for my body. We’re cautioned to stand up straight because it projects confidence. We’re trained to move with our shoulders back because it puts our body in proper alignment. But when we are properly aligned with our Creator, we realize that we truly are people “of unclean lips” and are forced to our knees. My body revolts against this, as does every world inclination in my spirit, and yet this is what the glory of Christ compels. The spasm in my shoulder is a reminder that humility is never what our bodies, or our worldly nature wants, but it is the proper response to God.

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As Wise As Me

One of the starkest contrast between modernism and postmodernism is the former’s trust in the scientific method compared to the latter’s reliance on personal experience. In a modern world, what could be verified is what was to be depended upon, and everything else was merely conjecture. Rationality ruled and we were all its doting subjects.

Because I fell right on the cusp of the modern vs. postmodern transition, I tend to find myself exhibiting characteristics of both camps. My belief in the benefits of logical thinking is probably my most pronounced modern characteristic. I trust in order, I like sequence, and I consider things critically. When things make sense, I’m a happy camper. When they don’t, I’ll do my best to figure it out. Cause and effect are usually pretty observable and ascertaining either helps me understand the world.

However, what works for understanding the world, doesn’t always work for understanding Jesus. That’s because to my logical mind a lot of what He says doesn’t make sense. “The first shall be last and the last shall be first” goes against every natural inclination in my body. “Humble yourself and you shall be lifted up” is completely counterintuitive. “Blessed are the poor for they shall inherit the earth” seems completely ludicrous in light of humanity’s plight. My head can’t wrap around it, and these seeming contradictions are stumbling blocks for faith.

But the fact that a perfect God paid the price for my sin also doesn’t make sense. His bottomless forgiveness is an injustice to logic. His decision to use me to bring Him glory is completely counterintuitive. None of it fits within the bounds of rational thinking.

And the point is this. Oftentimes I use the wisdom of the world to try to justify partial abandonment to God. I think “does He really want me to give to those in need . . . or can I trust that they’ll use what I give them rightly?” I may question “should I really look over an offense or will I be taken advantage of again?” If I don’t vent (i.e. gossip) will it cause irreparable harm to my psyche or can I trust that all is in His control? Logic screams in the face of God’s commands and yet His forgiveness of my sin also doesn’t make sense. My wisdom doesn’t account for an infinite God, His wisdom is limitless. His ways are surely not mine, because they are incalculably superior. How can I believe in His mercy but deny His directives? How can I trust Him for salvation but not in everyday nature of human affairs? My wisdom doesn’t leave any room for Him to work, and is that really the position in which I want to be?

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