Growth

Generous To A Fault

Every once in a while I’ll hear someone remark that somebody they know is “generous to a fault.” It’s always been a funny colloquialism to me because I never understood where the line between “generous” and “too generous” was. Moreover, who gets to determine it?  It seemed that more often than not the line was drawn by the person making the remark when they felt that their friend’s or family member’s generosity was somehow going to impinge on their comfort, even if the infraction was just their feeling of guilt for not being quite as giving. Or worse yet, when they felt like there would be less generosity to benefit them.

The Bible, however,  draws a very different line when it comes to generosity.  It tells us that if “someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well.” (Matthew 5:40). Most people don’t give beyond what’s asked to their friends, let alone to their adversary who is taking them to court. The next verse says that if someone forces us to walk one mile with them, we should go with them two, which is not the usual response when we are being cajoled into action. Scripture also tells us that we should “lend, expecting nothing in return” (Luke 6:35), an unheard of mentality in a society of interest rates and quid pro quo. We are commanded to give to those in need (Romans 12:13), and to be generous when we give (I Timothy 6:18). Giving too much doesn’t seem to be much of a concern in God’s Word.

But there was at least one time where it was a concern. In Exodus 36:6-7 Moses had to tell the people to stop giving. In fact, Scripture tells us that he had to “restrain” them from being too generous. However it wasn’t for the reason that we normally find fault with another’s generosity. It was because they had met the need in abundance. The Israelites had so graciously given of their possessions that there was no longer a need for any more of their gifts. They so wanted to participate in what God was doing that they were willing to go to great personal expense and sacrifice in order to do so. Until they had to be stopped.

Wouldn’t it be great if the same could be said of us? What if when someone accused us of being “too generous” it meant that we wanted to give beyond what the need was? What would the world say if we were so eager to participate in the work of God that that people had to restrain us from giving in excess of the problem’s capacity? What if we gave even when there was no longer a deficiency?

Who would find fault with that?

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Relationships

Redefining Excellence

It’s not uncommon to get cut off on a California freeway. It is uncommon to have a gracious response to such an incident. As is often stated, we tend to explain our behavior in terms of our intentions; we tend to explain the behavior of others in terms of the outcomes. When we cut off someone on the freeway, we quickly justify it because the baby needed our attention, we dropped something, or we simply didn’t see the other car approaching. When someone cuts us off the explanation is clear – they are a terrible driver who never should have been given a license.

While we may think this inclination is limited to strangers, it effects all of our relationships. We give our misdeeds generous justification, while quickly condemning the actions of others. It may be tempting to think that familiarity would inhibit this; one should be able to understand why someone they know well acts in the way they do, but unfortunately intimacy isn’t a barrier to prevention. In fact, we may be more prone to critique those closest to us, wrongly concluding that they should know better than to act in such an aggravating manner. We erroneously conclude that our way is the right way, and that we are the better partner for it.

In a management book on change, the authors provide a reason for this phenomenon. In their words “one reason we’re able to believe that we’re better than average leaders, and drivers and spouses and team players is that we are defining those terms in ways that flatter us.” In other words, our position of superiority comes from the inclination to describe excellence in terms of how we behave, and we are, by default, accomplished in that behavior. Others might not be, and therefore they suffer in our estimation of them.

What may be frustrating on the freeway, can be disastrous in relationships. After all, my standards of excellence may not mirror those of my spouse’s, but it’s my standards that I’m likely to use when evaluating their actions.  As a personal example, I can distinctly remember early on in our marriage when my husband folded the towels in the “wrong” way. In God’s graciousness, He stopped me from saying anything to “correct” him, realizing that “my” way was only the “right” way because I thought it was so. (And that if I ever wanted him to help with the laundry again, criticising such an inconsequential action was probably not the way to encourage future assistance!)

The point is this – there are some things in relationships that are rightly nonnegotiable. These are the things that Scripture calls us to, and we should rightly evaluate our actions (and the actions of others) in light of the truth of God’s Word. There are a thousand smaller things that aren’t this way, yet we treat them as if they are. In doing so, when our spouse/friend/boss/parent doesn’t live up to our standards, we think that they are somehow not a good spouse/friend/boss/parent. But if we redefined excellence in terms of what they are good at, if we used their standards of what makes a good spouse/friend/boss/parent, then suddenly they would be! And it’s their standards that are driving their actions; it’s their standards that are motivating them.

So perhaps our relationships could use a little more redefinition of what excellence looks like and a little less criticism.  Perhaps if we were quicker to celebrate what they did well, instead of evaluating what they did poorly, our relationships would be more encouraging. Perhaps if we consider their motivation rather than our evaluation, our relationships would be more gracious. Perhaps our relationships would flourish.

It certainly couldn’t hurt.

 

 

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