Awhile ago I was at swim lessons with my kids. Another mom was instructing her child to leave the playroom and he refused. I heard her say “goodbye” to her child and proceed out the door. The child did not budge. I surmised that he had grown accustomed to the empty threats and that he, along with everyone else in the room, knew that his mom had no intention of actually leaving him there. Her words had no impact on him because he had learned that she didn’t mean what she said.
It was a powerful moment for me. Our children don’t have to be very old to learn whether we intend to do what we say we will do and this situation demonstrated the consequences of being untrustworthy in this regard. While leaving swim lessons may have seemed insignificant, I shutter to think what other situations of much greater import would be impacted, simply because a parent had neglected to realize the power of her words.
What we say to our kids matters. And it matters not just because we can use our words to affirm and encourage them, it matters because they will either learn to believe what we say, or they won’t.
Trust Me
One of the reasons that it is important that we don’t issue empty threats is because we want our children to trust us. The Bible teaches that we aren’t supposed to provoke our children (Eph. 6:4). Another way to translate this is that we aren’t to exasperate our kids. If our kids can’t believe what we tell them, it will certainly lead them to frustration. If we don’t mean what we say when we want them to leave swim lessons, how will they know that we mean what we say when we tell them not to play in the street? This may seem like a huge jump but for a young child it is hard for them to distinguish the difference. We want to build a relationship of trust with our kids. And if they can’t trust us in the small things, how are they ever go to trust us in the significant issues of life?
Keep Your Commitments – Big and Small
Another reason that it is important that we watch what we say is because our children look to us for how they should behave. When we tell them that we will play with them “in a minute” and then forget about our commitment 60 seconds later, we are teaching them that it doesn’t matter if we keep our word. If it is o.k. for us to view commitments with ambivalence, they will think it is o.k. if they do as well. Not only do we want our kids to trust us, but we want them to see us a reliable individuals that they can turn to in times of trouble. If we have exhibited a pattern of flaking on them or of making promises that we never fulfill, we shouldn’t be surprised when they do the same.
They See the Father In You
Often times when we talk about God, we refer to Him as the Father. Our children’s understanding of God can be enhanced or diminished by how we behave. If God is their Father and you are also their parent, it goes to reason that how you act is also a representation of how their Heavenly parent also behaves. If we make promises hastily, and then fail to fulfill them, they might be more likely to think that God does that as well. If you we standards, and then fail to enforce them, they might think that God’s rules are subjective too. And if we establish consequences for misbehavior, and do not follow through on them, they might be surprised when they incur divine repercussions for their sin. This isn’t to say that you have to be a perfect parent for your child to know and love God – otherwise no parent’s child would ever do so. But it does elevate the responsibility that we have to choose our words wisely, to follow-through on what we say we will do, and to repent and ask for forgiveness when our actions when we do not represent our Father well. We will not be perfect parents, but we should be striving to ensure that increasingly how we parent our children reflects God’s kindness towards His kids. And we should be mindful that our kids will pay attention to what we say, and even more attention to what we do.
