In the early years of our marriage, when I would cook a new dish, I would ask my husband, “how did you like it?” Because my husband is gracious and kind, he would find something positive to say about the meal, regardless of whether it truly struck his fancy. Recognizing this, I tried a new approach, and started to ask him to rate the meals on a scale of 1 to 5. I figured then I could have a comparative idea of which recipes he liked more. The problem with this tactic was that it was fairly difficult for me to discern between a meal that rated a 3 and meal that rated a 4. How much better was one really over the other? Did a 4 mean it was a meal he could eat five times a week? Or did it simply mean that if he had to choke down something, he would prefer it to be the meal to which he gave the higher rating? It was a conundrum.
Eventually, I landed on the question that I still ask him when I test out a Pinterest find. I ask, “how often would you like to have this meal?” He doesn’t mind answering that question candidly because if he says, “once a month,” he won’t hurt my feelings; I just know it is not something he truly enjoys. If he responds with “every week,” then I am confident we have a winner. Either way, asking the right question has helped us have a more productive conversation. Asking the right question, helps us more readily get on the same page.
At this point, I may sound like I am writing this post to provide marriage advice, but I am truly not. What these dinnertime conversations have helped me realize, however, is that just like asking the right question is important in my relationship with my spouse, it is important in many other situations as well. When we think of the questions we ask from the perspective of the person who is answering them, we can often phrase our questions in such a way that we have a more winsome and helpful conversation. The manner in which we query someone else can either stifle or enhance conversation. And if we really want to know the answer, we should be looking to phrase our question prompts so as to enrich our dialogue, not stop it.
Another arena where this matters is in our evangelism. Too often our evangelistic techniques ask probing questions that raise defenses rather than break down barriers. Perhaps there are situations where it is helpful to say, “If you were to die tonight, do you know what would happen to you?”. But it is just as likely that there are people who would abruptly depart if that is the beginning of our evangelistic endeavors. A thoughtlessly worded question can end the conversation before it is started. And a child of God should never want to engage in a Gospel conversation thoughtlessly.
Therefore, with every evangelistic encounter we have, we should be prayerful about how to have that conversation is such a way that that specific individual will be more open to the truth of the Gospel. Lest I be misunderstood, this doesn’t mean that we alter the Gospel to try to make it more “appealing.” We must be committed to communicating that which is of “first importance” just as Paul did in I Cor. 15. However, I do mean to convey that we should be thoughtful about the fact that the person we are talking to is an individual who is fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God, who has their own experiences and life history, and who may be more open to dialogue based on the manner in which we participate in the conversation. Asking questions in a way that acknowledges this reality, rather than having a one-size-fits-all approach, will likely lead to more productive and more winsome Gospel conversations.
When we ask someone a question, it should be because we want to hear their response. When we ask questions with care and consideration for who the other person is, we demonstrate our love for them as an image bearer of Christ. Jesus did not present the Gospel in the same way to Nicodemus (John 3) as He did to the woman at the well (John 4). But he did use questions on both occasions. May we follow the example of our Savior, and may we prayerfully ask the right questions that will open the doors for us to have more winsome conversations about Him that many more may trust Him as Lord.
