One of the great joys in my life is being a college professor. As I tell my students every year, it is an honor to spend my working hours with so many remarkable young people. Even more extraordinary though is that God, in His kindness, gave me a job that I love and one that, in His graciousness, He has used for His Kingdom’s purpose. It is a gift that I try to never take lightly, and it is one that I am perpetually grateful for.
Over my 15 years of being a college professor, I have learned a thing or two about what the college experience is like. During that time, I have seen all different types of students, who have approached college in a variety of ways. One of the aspects of my occupation that I did not anticipate was the degree to which parents were prepared for this transition in their child’s life. Of course, by the time their kid is my student, their “child” is a young adult. However for many of them, the process of this new phase of parenting is difficult. I do not propose to have all the answers, and I am totally open to the idea that when it is my kid that is starting their college years, I may sing a different tune. However, from the vantage point of where I sit today, I wanted to share a few thoughts about how as parents, we can prepare for the day when our kids go to college.
1. Remember Your Kid Was Always on Loan – The Bible instructs parents to train up their children in the way they should go (Prov 22:6); the implication being that at some point – they will in fact, GO. Our goal as parents should be to help our children grow in wisdom and to prepare them for the path that God has set before them. They are in our house for a limited period of time, but they are always in God’s hands. When we cling to our kids as if they are “rightfully” ours, we forget that they have and will always be a gift from God. They are His creations before they are “our” kids. It is a blessing to have the stewardship of raising them, but we must recognize that at some point that stewardship ends. Work to do your job well as to the Lord and trust them to His care when they are no longer your charge.
2. Switch from Fix-It Mode to Consult and Advise – When our kids are children, we do a lot of fixing, and a lot of rescuing, trying to make sure that they stay on the right path. When our kids are young adults, our job switches from being one that is mainly about fixing problems, to primarily about consult and advise. If you have built a trusting and loving relationship with your kids, there is a good chance that they will call you when they are facing a problem. If they are in college, resist the urge to rush in and fix it. Listen to the situation, point them to Scripture, and give them your best advise without swooping in to take care of it yourself. One personal word of advice – unless there is a catastrophic event, it is unlikely that you should ever email one of their professors. Let your grown kids fight through the challenges God places in their path. You can support them with encouraging words, and faithful prayers – and you should! However, they should be the main actors in solving their own problems.
3. Pray – A Lot – Speaking as someone who has not yet sent their kid off to college, I can only imagine how difficult it is to release the young person that has spent the last 18 years in your home into an unknown and challenging world. However, instead of responding to this uncertainty by holding tightly to your kid, cling to Jesus. You won’t get to see your kid every day, you won’t know the ins and outs of their lives, but your Savior does. And He is far better equipped to help them than you ever were. Pray for your college student, pray for their friends, pray for their professors, pray for the activities that they will participate in, pray for the trials that God will send their way, and pray for their walk with God. Don’t let a day go by that you don’t place your young adult before the throne room of God asking that His will be done in their lives. There is a lot that you do not know about what their future will hold, but He does. Cast your concerns onto your beloved King (I Peter 5:7) and be filled with His peace (Phil 4:6-7).
4. Equip Your Student for Success but Let them Earn It – Before your kid heads off to college, do everything that you can to equip them for success. Of course, this starts with teaching them God’s Word and modeling for them a life that is reliant on their Savior. There are also some pragmatic skills they should possess. Make sure your kid knows how to budget money, how to manage their time, how to study, how to take notes, how to search for and evaluate information sources, and what the college catalog is and how it should form a basis for planning their academic schedule. In an ideal world, you won’t try to give your student a crash course on these things in the days preceding their departure for school, but if you haven’t done so yet and they are heading out the door, a crash course is better than no instruction at all. However, once you have given your kids these skills, let them use them to earn their success. Don’t plan their academic schedule for them; don’t always bail them out if they get into a financial jam. Of course, as indicated in point 2 above, you can consult and advise, but don’t try to make it so that success is guaranteed. If life is like bowling, then college is the time to take down the bumpers. They need to have the option of failure, (and experience the consequences if they do). As I often tell my students, I rather they learn the hard lessons in my class instead of at their first job. The consequences in the class may seem severe now, but the consequences are much more drastic when your livelihood and career are on the line.
5. Let them have their own experience rather than repeating yours – If you have a kid going to college, the odds are that you were last a college student many years ago. If you had the greatest experience or the worse experience, don’t try to relive your college days through your kid. In all likelihood, things have changed since you were last in a university classroom. If you have equipped your young adult for success (see the previous point), you have given your student a head start in making the most of their time in college. Don’t try to recreate your memories or rectify your mistakes by overly directing your kid. Their college experience is just that; theirs. God has a plan for them, and your desire should be for your son or daughter to walk in His ways, not yours.
6. Remember the point of college is to learn – both in the classroom and outside of it – It isn’t uncommon for a student to find out that they have room to take some “extra” classes and they will ask me what I think they should take. While we may spend time discussing minors or certificates that align with their chosen field, I also remind them that it is o.k. to take a class for the love of learning more about a subject, even if there is no direct correlation to their major. I am convinced that students who know more beyond their chosen field, make a bigger contribution to their discipline because they are able to consider problems and situations from multiple perspectives. So, for example, if I have a business student who likes philosophy, I encourage them to take another philosophy class. The more they know about the perspectives that have shaped how we think about the world, the better businessperson they will be. If your student is going to a Christian college, encourage them to take additional Bible classes if they have the space to do so. They will be a better nurse, engineer, marketer, educator artist, etc. the more firmly they are rooted in the truth of God’s Word.
7. Rely on the One who loves them even more than you do. – Lastly, as you send your child off to college, rely on the One who loves them even more than you do. Throughout their college experience, your student, and you, will likely have good times and hard times. The seasons will change, but God is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Heb 13:8). Trust in Him as your anchor (Heb 6:19) and whether it is storms or smooth sailing, that comes your way, you can be secure in Him.
