Relationships

How to Have a Critical Mind Instead of a Critical Spirit

Throughout my years in school, I spent a considerable amount of time completing standardized tests. I know that there are many views about the worthwhileness of those tests, but, as weird as it sounds, I always kind of enjoyed them. It was a break from the normal instruction, and I was always intrigued by what the results would say. It was a way to identify areas of strength as well as areas of possible improvement. 


One area that consistently came up as a strong suit for me was “critical thinking.” This wasn’t a surprise since I loved puzzles, conundrums, and figuring out solutions to problems. Still, it was nice that Educational Testing Services confirmed my own perceptions. I learned, however, that having a critical mind was considered a benefit to the standardized test preparers, it was not always thought of the same way by my friends. It was one thing to solve problems; it was another thing when people thought you were trying to “solve” or fix them.

Thankfully, I have grown to understand that there is a difference between having a critical mind and a critical spirit. The first is necessary for discernment and wisdom; the latter is destructive to relationships. Christians should want to be able to evaluate truthfulness from falsehood, but at the same time we should desire to be a light to others, not a shadow of darkness and doubt. When we take a propensity towards critical thinking and use that to routinely criticize people, we have taken a good gift and misapplied it. If we want to avoid this, here are three things that we can do:

1. Give others the benefit of the doubt

When we make mistakes, and even when we sin, we are prone to think about the situation based upon our intentions rather than our actions. For example, if I am short-tempered with the clerk at the grocery store, I may recognize that I did not honor God with my response, while at the same time acknowledging that my lack of sleep is probably what inclined me to be careless with my words. I did not intend to be grumpy, and while this doesn’t justify my response, it may (in my own mind), explain it.

When we consider others, however, we are quick to dismiss intentions and examine their actions. Part of this is understandable as we may not be privy to the reasons why they behaved how they did. However, often we fail to even consider that their actions may not tell the entire story of their response. Let’s resist this tendency – never excusing sin (in our lives or in others) – but responding to the mistakes and foibles of others with the same type of grace that we would like extended to us.

2. Distinguish preferences from convictions

Another way to fight the propensity of a critical spirit is to be clear about what we believe to be the right way to do things, and what the Bible says is the right way. There are a lot of things in our lives that we believe to be “right” based on our culture, our experiences, and our upbringing. However, many of these things are not based on Scripture but based on personal values and proclivities. I experienced this in a rather humorous way when I was in college. We were having a “roommate dinner” and I was in charge of preparing the bread. There were 4 of us who lived together, and we each had a different opinion on the “right” way to heat up and butter the loaf we had purchased . Obviously, there were reasons each of us thought our way was the “best” way but choosing any of them would not have violated Scripture. It was a matter of preference, not of conviction.

What is clear from Scripture, however, is that when I am faced with differences of opinion, how I respond to those differences can be honoring to God or not. In matters that are inconsequential for eternity, my willingness to put others’ desires in front of my own, can make a difference for the sake of God’s Kingdom. This is why Paul could write that he “became all things to all people” (I Cor. 9:22).  In matters that were not salvific, he was willing to distinguish preference from conviction, and give up what he preferred that he might win others to Christ. When we emulate this example, we can look at issues critically and resist the temptation to consider people through the same lens. We should never compromise the Truth of God’s Word, but we should always be willing to compromise on lesser things if through doing so, we can bring glory to Christ. When we are willing to give up what we prefer for the sake of someone else, we honor them as image bearers of the Most High God, a distinction worthy of deference and grace.  

3. Strive to build others up

Lastly, if we want to have a critical mind without having a critical spirit, we will endeavor to regularly and intentionally build others up. It is hard to tear people down if you are committed to elevating them. This isn’t permission to engage in manipulative flattery – the Scripture expressly forbids that (Proverbs 26:28), – but it is a commitment to not only look for the good in people, but to encourage them in it. I know my own frailties, but I’m not more equipped to overcome them by someone constantly and unhelpfully pointing them out. Instead, when others acknowledge what I do well – how I am honoring God and bringing glory to Him with my life – I am more inclined to spend more time focused on these things. And when I am focused on glorifying God more, I will, as a natural result, be doing less of that which displeases Him. When we take this principle and apply it to others, we recognize that the more we encourage and exhort people in the good that we see God doing in their lives, the less our attention and our words will dwell on the ways that they haven’t lived up to our expectations of them. And what is a critical spirit but unlovingly pointing out the ways that others have failed us?

Thinking critically is good. Jesus used the example of the military leader and the builder who failed to critically consider what they needed to point out the foolishness of the person who says they want to follow Christ without considering the costs (Luke 14:28-33). However, when we allow our pattern of thinking to control our spirit, rather than letting the Spirit of God guide our thoughts, we are unlikely to consider or interact with others in ways that please our Savior. It is our job to adorn the Gospel of Christ (see Titus 2:10, I Peter 3:3-4) and a critical spirit has never beautified anything. Therefore, let us strive to be people who think critically about the issues, who rightly handle the Word of God, but who resist the temptation to develop a critical spirit. As J.R. Miller eloquently stated, “it is better to have eyes for beauty than for blemish.” May our eyes be fixed on the beauty of Christ and the ways that those who bear His image display it in their lives.

Continue Reading

Relationships

The One (Other) Thing Your Kid Needs to Know Before College

In the last 13 years I have learned a lot from teaching in higher education. As I often share with my students, frequently they teach me even though it is my job to teach them. I am much more familiar with contemporary slang than I otherwise would be. Additionally, they help me to see new perspectives and to consider examples and situations that I probably would never have thought of on my own.

However, as I have previously written, there are times when I encounter students who are not quite prepared for their college experience. For many young people, college is the first time that they will make decisions on their own and be solely responsible for the consequences of those decisions. For any Christian parent, it is important that their children are firmly rooted in the Truth of Scripture before they experience this independence. It is not a guarantee that they will make wise decisions, but it will certainly help. As J.C. Ryle stated “You cannot make your children love the Bible, I admit. None but the Holy Spirit can give us a heart to delight in the Word. But you can make your children acquainted with the Bible; and be sure they cannot be acquainted with that blessed book too soon, or too well.”

However, while teaching their children to love and revere God’s Word is by far the most important thing that Christian parents can impart to their children, if I was going to offer a second suggestion it would be this – your kids, the young adults that God has entrusted to your care, must be able to face an obstacle and navigate through it. Apart from not knowing and loving Scripture, this is, from my experience, where most college students falter.

This may seem like a trite thing to state. The examples of young adults who are “snowflakes” or are otherwise unprepared to deal with difficulties abound. However, even if you think that these characterizations don’t reflect your children, let me caution you to think again. As a result of technology, smaller families, and increased household wealth, many young people have experienced few real difficulties. As I realized awhile ago, my children will never know what it is like to have to wait to listen to a song that they want to hear. Their music has always been available to them “on demand” (as have their television shows, movies, and probably several other things.) This is probably of small consequence in the great scheme of things, but these small conveniences add up to a life of relative ease and enjoyment. Of course, it is well documented that many children do have difficult and at times, horrific childhood experiences. But there are many whose childhood rhythm of play, entertainment, and relaxation would be unrecognizable to all previous generations.

What can a parent do to help their growing children be prepared to face obstacles and navigate through them? Here are 4 suggestions:

  • Don’t fight their battles – Years ago, I had a parent of one of my college students call me to discuss their child’s experience in another professor’s class. This was surprising in and of itself since I tend to think college students should be equipped to handle this type of situation. What made this experience especially noteworthy is that the student was in our graduate program. This young person was about to earn a master’s degree and their parent was still fighting their battles for them. While I certainly don’t know what transpired in their childhood, my guess is that this seemed perfectly normal to all involved because this is how it was always done in their household. Please – prepare your children to have difficult conversations with authority figures prior to them going to college. Preparation should start from the time that they are young when you instruct them to look in an adult’s eyes when chatting with them (and teach them to respectfully greet adults and to engage in conversation with them.) It also means that (while exercising wisdom), you don’t jump in to solve every squabble between siblings or every disagreement at the park. Matthew 18 makes it clear that conflict should involve as few as people as possible in order to achieve resolution. Your young person needs to be able to respectfully present their perspective and be prepared to know that, even when they do so, things might not go their way. They might not win the battle, but if you teach them how to rightly engage in it, you will have won the war.

  • Teach them to sacrifice – For many children, life at their home centers around them. While there are many problems with this, one of the problems is that they have never experienced the sting of having to give up something that they want in order to bless someone else. The practice of sacrifice teaches us that we are not the center of the Universe, and that even though there may be pain, we are not entitled to everything that we want. It is helpful to build your child’s dispensation towards sacrifice over time. For example – we teach our kids that when people come over to visit, they are expected to let their friends play with the toys first. This is obviously not a monumental sacrifice, but even at a young age they are learning how to deal with disappointment and not getting what they want when they want it. They are building gracious dispositions that will serve them well when they face far greater difficulties in the future. And they are building Christlikeness into their lives as they recognize that they need to be willing to sacrifice for others just as He did for the world (Eph. 5:2).

  • Make them work for it – Some of the best advice that I received as a parent of young kids was to give them responsibility for money. My kids regularly receive an allowance and they know that if we go out, the expectation is that they will use that allowance to buy things that they want. However, their allowance is pretty small so if they want something of more substantive value, they are able to do additional chores to earn money to purchase it.  Outside of birthdays and Christmas, it is very rare for my husband and I to buy them toys. Not only are they learning about the benefits of saving versus spending, but they are learning to work for what they want rather than expecting that it will be given to them. Proverbs 12:11 states, “Whoever works his land will have plenty of bread, but he who follows worthless pursuits lacks sense.” My kids’ experience with working the land is pretty limited, but hopefully they are building sense and wisdom as they work hard for what they desire. And I trust that these experiences will serve them well when they face challenging circumstances in the future because they will have learned to keep working even through difficult times.

  • Let them make decisions and experience the consequences – This last suggestion encapsulates much of what has already been written. However, I have included it separately because it encompasses more circumstances than we have already covered. If your kid has never made a choice in their life – if you have planned and prescribed their schedules and their priorities – they will be very ill-equipped to make important decisions as an adult. Of course, doing this well requires that a parent exercises wisdom and gives their children age-appropriate opportunities to make decisions, and experience the consequences. If a child chooses to spend the money they have earned on small things, and then doesn’t have the resources to get the latest and greatest toy that hits the market – don’t buy it for them. If you tell them to expect a consequence when they have a bad attitude, don’t clean up their room, or display any other sinful behavior – enforce it, even though it will often mean that thing will be more difficult for you as the parent. Teach your kids the expectations for attitude and behavior and when they neglect to align with them – let them experience appropriate outcomes, whether that be consequences that you impose or the natural consequences that come from irresponsible or sinful choices.

James 1 clearly tells us that there is much good that comes from encountering difficult situations and persevering through them. In fact, the Scripture teaches that this is what enables a follower of God to reach maturity in Him (James 1:4). If your child doesn’t have any experience enduring through challenges prior to getting to college, they will almost certainly be ill-prepared for this transition into adulthood. Teach them to love God’s Word, and teach them how to persevere. Doing so will go a long way towards preparing them for success in college and beyond.

Continue Reading