Relationships

Kids, Commitments, and the Importance of Keeping Your Word

Like many people, I bemoan the decline in RSVPs for an event.  Ironically, there seems to be an inverse relationship between the options for communication and the frequency with which RSVPs are received. Although we have more ways to respond to invitations, it seems fewer and fewer people do so.

Perhaps one reason for this situation is that people are doing more things than they used to do. Some families’ schedules require spreadsheets and logistical gymnastics to manage. Therefore,  people may be reticent to respond because they are not sure how to juggle all their commitments. The jaded side of me says that another reason is that people may be waiting to see if something better comes along before they commit. Therefore their RSVP indicates their enthusiasm for the event, or lack thereof.

While not responding to an invitation creates challenges for the host, an entirely different challenge is created when someone says that they will come, and then they don’t. While it could seem inconsequential for one person not to attend, the person who chooses to negate their commitment doesn’t know if others will do the same. One person can quickly grow to several and before you know it, the host’s plans may be ruined.

Now it probably seems odd that I have written three paragraphs about events when those who know me know that planning events isn’t really my forte. But I do so to illustrate a point – one that many people can probably relate to. When someone doesn’t uphold their commitments there are consequences. And often times the consequences extend beyond themselves.

And while we all know this intuitively, I have witnessed a concerning number of parents who advocate on their child’s behalf when their kid wants to forego the commitment they have made. Perhaps it is a parent’s natural instinct to want their kid to be able to take advantage of an exciting opportunity, even if a prior agreement conflicts. Or to want to give a child a way out of something that they no longer want to do.  However, when parents don’t teach their kids the importance of keeping their word, they are actually doing their child a disservice rather than a favor. There are at least four important lessons we teach our children when we instruct them to keep their commitments, even when they don’t want to.

1. Obedience Isn’t Dependent on Convenience

One of the reasons that parents may want to release children from their commitments is because it is no longer convenient to keep them. However, this is an excuse that we would (hopefully) never accept from them if they decided that they did not want to do what we say.  Convenience isn’t the primary factor in deciding what we are to do. The Christian is called to live a life of sacrifice, and that means being willing to sacrifice what is easy in order to do what is right. We should want  children who obey God’s Word even when it means that they will suffer for it. If they can’t even keep their appointments because it is now inconvenient, how do we expect to prepare them to endure ridicule and persecution when they choose to obey Christ rather than do what the world says? As with most things in life, it is critical that we think of the long-game, and that we prepare our children to do the same.

2. Character Counts

Often times when we think about skipping out a commitment, we are thinking only about the situation at hand. Yet the Bible is clear that when we agree to do something there is a deeper issue at stake (Mt. 5:37). People should be able to count on us, not because we are dependable people, but because we serve a dependable God. And the degree to which we model His faithfulness and reliability, is the degree to which we point others to Him. If people can’t expect our children to uphold their ends of a commitment, how are those same people going to believe our children when they want to tell them the Good News of Christ? To put it simply, they won’t. Our character matters not only (or primarily) because of what it says about us; it matters because it is how unbelievers will come to think of the God that we serve.

3. Think of Others

When children want out of a commitment, it is usually because they no longer want to fulfill it. However, we need to help our children develop a mindset of thinking about others. How would they feel if everyone who RSVP’d for their party didn’t show up? What challenges would they face if someone had agreed to help them and then bailed? If we can anticipate how this would make us feel, then we have a fair degree of certainty that this is how others will respond as well. And we do not want to unnecessarily cause someone hurt or pain. If we want our children to represent Christ well in this world, they need to be constantly thinking of other people, and being willing to sacrifice their own desires for others’ sake. After all, this is what our Savior did.

4. It’s Not About You

Lastly, our children need to realize that this world does not revolve around them. Even if we say this phrase, we often act contrary to it. We move appointments, apologize for their changing preferences, and organize meals and activities around their inclinations. This does not serve the long-term development of our children.  Our children may not want to fulfill their commitments – but unless doing so will cause them long-term harm – we should see that they do so anyway. Life is full of situations where they are going to have to do difficult things – things that they might not want to do. We need to teach them from an early age that they should do them anyway because in the long-run, it is not about your temporal desires, but it is about serving others and doing what God has required of you.

It’s Important, Not Easy

This likely won’t be easy. There may be times that we want to let our children out of their commitments because doing so will be more convenient or more rewarding for us. But just like we hope other children will keep their word, we should be intentional about raising children that are known for their faithful reliability. Enforcing this standard not only teaches our children important lessons, but it helps ingrain a character trait that will serve them well when they are no longer under our care.

 

 

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Purpose Relationships Work

The Working Mom

Lately I have read a lot of things about being a stay-at-home mom. For many, it seems like this critical and vital role is under attack. I’m confident that there are some people in our world who question why a woman would “give up their career” in order to raise their kids. I also know that in the circles I travel in, I have never met anyone who questioned this choice. To be fair – the circles I travel in are those most likely to stress the impact that proper parenting has on kids and therefore to (rightfully) celebrate the influence that a stay-at-home mother can have.  Therefore, I meet many more people who question why a mom would work outside of the home and the potential effect it could have on her family. And although I’ve been hesitant to jump into the discussion, I wanted to offer a few things to consider. Because the truth of the matter is that I think this is a subject where there should be a lot of grace, and yet so often I find that’s precisely what’s missing.

It’s Hard Being a Mom

The first thing that I hope all moms can acknowledge, and especially Christian moms, is that being a mother is tough. This is especially true if you are trying to raise your children according to God’s principles in a culture that is hostile to them. No one should look at motherhood and think that it is all butterflies and roses (although from my experience there is a lot of both!).  I have found that the most difficult days are not the one that I anticipate but the unexpected moments of not being sure what to do. Moms want to do right by their kids and yet it is impossible for us to see the future. Every mom I know has questioned some decision that they have made as a parent and have wondered whether it was the right one. Sleepless nights don’t only come when your children are awake; the also come from wondering what is the right thing to do.

The Rewards Are Great

Although it is difficult being a mom, the rewards are great. There is nothing that can compare to your child spontaneously telling you that they love you or drawing a picture just to make you smile. Of course, the greatest reward of parenting comes from seeing your children follow after Christ and being used by Him for His Kingdom’s purposes. When it comes to how we engage with other moms, let’s put our focus on that. We want to encourage our sisters in Christ as they point their children to Him. We want to celebrate their victories and rejoice with them in their children’s successes. Not in terms of how the world defines success – but in terms of how Christ does. When we meet a mom who is weary let’s help her refocus on the heavenly rewards that are in store for those who diligently and faithfully raise their children according to God’s standards.

Don’t Assume Motives

With those two things as the ground rules, let’s be careful not to assume motives when it comes to whether a particular mom has a job outside of their home while simultaneously raising her kids. For example – I recently read a blog post that seemed to indicate that the author understood why single moms worked but indicated that married moms who worked did so primarily for financial reasons. I trust that the author did know moms who were motivated by extra cash, but that might not be the only, or even the primary, reason a mom has a job outside of the home. Be careful ascribing motives or claiming that one path is superior to another without knowing the circumstances. Doing so will likely result in a lot of unnecessary hurt and potentially fractured relationships.

On a side note – can I make a personal plea? Please don’t ever say to a working mom that someone else is raising her kids. I’ve heard this many times from well-meaning people, normally in defense of why they choose not to work outside the home. Here’s the thing – both my husband and I work outside the home – and we raise our kids. I am regularly giving them instruction, teaching them right from wrong, wiping away their tears, correcting their behavior, and pointing them to Christ. I hope that someone wouldn’t say that a dad was excused from raising their kids just because they were also issued a paycheck. When someone implies I’ve leaving the raising of my kids to someone else, my heart breaks a little. Not because I feel the need to defend myself to that person, but because it seems that they equate raising a child with the amount of time spent together, and while there may be some correlation there, it certainly is not absolute.

Focus on Obedience to Christ

When it comes to your own decision whether or not to work outside of the home, the most important thing is that you are obedient to Christ. I am fully convinced that God calls some moms to be employed, just as much as He calls some moms not to. Recognize that you need to be concerned with God’s calling on your life – not your neighbor’s, your co-worker’s, your sister’s, or your mom’s. It Is not our place to compare our calling to someone else’s. God has created each of His children in unique ways to accomplish unique purposes. In the Bible we have examples of women who had “careers” and women who didn’t. Additionally, there is no biblical instruction regarding what a specific person living today should do for work – as long as the work doesn’t violate a command of Scripture.  Let’s not make universal proclamations on issues where the Bible is silent. And let’s make sure that we are carefully seeking God’s call on our lives and are willing to do whatever He has called us to – whether that means we are employed outside of the home or not.

All Moms Work

Lastly, let’s acknowledge that if you’re a mom, you’re working. Whether they work primarily inside the home, or they also work outside of it, as we said at the beginning being a mom is tough and that means all moms have a job to do. I’m sure that there are moments that many working moms wish they could stay at home, and that stay-at-home moms may longingly look at those who leave to a place of employment. But whether they stay or go, they are working.  In fact, when I meet a mom I never ask her if she works. The answer would always be “yes!”. Instead I generally asks how she spends her time, and in that I often get a more robust answer than simply knowing if she has an employer or not.  But if she’s a mom, there is work to do.  If she’s a Christian mom, she is working extra hard because the calling on her life is that all of it – as a mother, and in any other role –  is pointing others to Christ. This is the most worthy endeavor and it should be done with excellence. And excellence requires hard work.

Priorities Not Preferences

It’s often hard to have conversations about parenting and work because it is rightly a topic many people feel strongly about. But I would like to hope that our passion for serving Christ would supersede our personal perspectives and preferences. I also hope that regardless of what decision you make, that we can all have grace for others who may be led differently. And I hope that whatever you do, you do so because it  would bring the greatest honor to Christ.

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