Relationships

The Person Behind the Punchline

I love a good joke. If you were to ask one of my college classes they may argue over the word “good” since I tend to tell jokes that are pretty corny, but still, laughing is one of my favorite things to do.  Whether it’s a witty play on words or a creative pun or even just an unexpected twist in a story, finding humor in life’s everyday circumstances is something that has served me well over the years. The Bible seems to support this proclivity. After all, Proverbs 17:22a tells us that “a joyful heart is good medicine.”

Recently, I was reminded of a very important truth about humor, though. As I read the story of the NFL replacement referee who notoriously missed a crucial call, I realized how critical it was that we remember the person behind the punchline. After the game, the skewering of this particular official was severe.  All the pundits, late night talk show hosts, and armchair quarterbacks may not have given a second thought to the impact of the critique they were making, but the impact was significant. The referee ended up suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder as the result of being the target of so much criticism.  His infamy destroyed his life.

This is an extreme case to be sure, but often times there are lessons to be learned from the extremes. Everyone we tease may not end up seeking professional help, but there is at least the possibility that one of them may. Words matter. If you doubt that, think back upon your childhood. If you are like most people you can remember at least one hurtful word that was seemingly spoken in “jest.” The fact that you still recall it all these years later demonstrates the impact it made.

This is why, all these years later, I have grown to really appreciate the punishment my dad meted out when I rashly pulled a prank on my sister. My defense for my seemingly innocent act was that I was “just joking.” My dad required me to memorize Proverbs 26:18-19 which taught me that not only was that defense useless, but that what seems like “jokes” to us, are not viewed the same from Heaven.  God doesn’t appreciate deceit, but He does applaud love. As we approach life, may our humor reflect the same.

 

Punchline Behind Person

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Relationships

Speaking Softly

President Teddy Roosevelt was famous for saying “Speak softly, but carry a big stick.”

The Bible leaves out the part about the big stick, but does state that “A soft answer turns away wrath” (Proverbs 15:1a). Since it seems that most people indicate that they dislike conflict, one would think that this truism would be heeded more often. Perhaps the reason that it is not is because we are unsure what a “soft answer” is. Does it mean that we need to keep our opinions to ourselves and only state niceties? After all, the Bible also states that it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense (Prov. 19:11). Or perhaps it means that we are to give compliments to those we are frustrated with and by doing so “heap burning coals” on our enemy’s head (Prov. 25:22). While it is assuredly a good thing to both overlook an offense and to say kind things to those who wrong us, there are some circumstances where the continuance and growth of a relationship seem to require that we let someone else know what is bothering us. In this case, how can we ensure that our response can be classified as “soft?”

One way to answer this question is to look at the definition of the words that we use. The word soft can be defined as “having a pleasing quality involving a subtle effect or contrast rather than sharp definition.” A “soft” answer then won’t draw rigid distinctions but instead will please the other by extending grace. When we respond softly it doesn’t mean that we continue unheard; it means that our response considers the other person and their perspective in shaping our communication efforts.

Perhaps the easiest way to illustrate this is to look at an example. For instance, can you hear the difference between telling someone “I didn’t feel like my time was respected” versus stating “You were disrespectful of my time.”? Not only is the second one full of more intense accusation but by using the word “disrespect” it indicts the other’s motives. Both sentences seemingly communicate the same thing, however the first can be more easily classified as a “soft” answer because it indicates a “subtle” contrast rather than a sharp, and perhaps aggressive, distinction.

What is shown in the example above has practical implications for a variety of circumstances in our lives. Our relationships with our spouse, children, friends and other loved ones will benefit from soft answers that diffuse, rather than incite, wrath. However, doing so requires a deliberation and mindfulness to our words that we are usually not quick to employ. Our emotions tend to get the best of us and instead of being “slow to speak” we are quick to voice our opinions. Speaking softly then not only requires that we are purposeful with how we say things, it requires that we take time to think through the implications of our words before we speak. In doing so, our words are more likely to be pleasing to the other and to turn away the wrath that we otherwise might face.

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