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When my husband and I were engaged, we decided, as a very “modern” couple, to do all our gift registering online. One evening as I logged on and started going through the myriad of options for towels, bathroom accoutrements, kitchen appliances, and more, I would show him pictures and ask for his opinion. After a few noncommittal responses were given, the following conversation took place:

Me – “Honey, I want you to be involved in the process. What if I pick out a vase and every day you come home and think ‘I hate that vase.’ I don’t want that.

My sweet hubby – “If I were to pick out a vase it would probably be a Lakers one so really, whatever you pick out is fine.”

It was a reveling moment for me. I realized that what I thought was doing good to my husband was different than what he considered. I had heard so many stories of brides who made every decision about the wedding and the husband felt like he had no part in it. I didn’t want that to be true for us, so I tried to involve him in the process, forgetting to actually find out what was important to him, until that very moment.

It’s a lesson that’s important for every relationship. We hear the “Golden Rule” and in an attempt to follow it, we think about what what we would like and then do the same thing for others. What we forget is that the particular expressions may change for individuals. For example, most people would like to feel included. But some people want to feel included by being invited to a large social event, while others would prefer a one-on-one conversation over coffee. Doing good to others, especially our spouse, means finding out what those particular differences are and seeking to bless them by doing those things.

In my husband’s case, he could care less about which vase or brand of kitchen mixer we registered for. What he did care about was having all his groomsmen wear Red Converse sneakers and asking one of his friends to play the keyboard. Both of those things happened at our wedding. And in the process, I learned an important lesson about what it meant to embody the characteristic of Proverbs 31:12 that an excellent wife does good to her husband and not harm “all the days of her life.”

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
(Philippians 4:8 ESV)

The above verse is a favorite of well-intentioned friends and spiritual encouragement cards. It’s often-quoted as a reminder that our hearts and our minds shouldn’t be focused on the things of the world, but on the things of Christ. As His followers, we want what is important to Him to be important to us, and that means concentrating on the things that please Him.

However, sometimes this verse is used in a very ethereal sense. After all, how do we practically follow it? One such way is in our relationships – specifically our relationship with our spouse or significant other. They are (hopefully) the person that we interact with most, but frequently our interactions aren’t characterized by much thought. When we are contemplating our loved one, our focus is often on what hasn’t happened rather than what has. In other words, we often consider what’s missing from our relationships – the dreams that we would like to make reality, the conflict that we would like to resolve – rather than all the ways in which our relationships are a blessing.

One way to change this is to ask ourselves the following:

1) What is true about our relationship with our loved one? – What can I depend on them for and what are the ways that they demonstrate their consistency?

2) What is honorable in our relationship?  – What are the ways in which our loved one shows us esteem and gives us praise? How does our relationship give glory to our King?

3) What are the ways that our spouse or significant other acts justly? – How do they demonstrate a commitment to follow God’s Word and live according to His plan?

4) How does our spouse or significant other display a godly purity? – What are they doing to abstain from worldly temptations and instead be conformed to Christ?

5) What do we love about them? – What are character traits and behaviors that bless us and give us joy?

6) What is commendable in their lives? – What do we respect our spouse for? What are qualities that they possess which we admire and esteem?

Answering these questions help demonstrate what is excellent in our relationships with our loved ones, and they help remind us of the blessing that the relationship is.