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The security industry is big business. Every year organizations and individuals spend about $15 billion in the US alone protecting themselves from unwanted intrusions. Considering that a single breach in data security can cost an organization over $7 million, this appears to be money well spent.

However, it’s not just from break-ins and breaches that people protect themselves. We all have means of protecting ourselves from heartache, discouragement and despair. We put up barriers but they aren’t made of metal and plywood or complicated computer codes – they are constructed by our actions: when we seek to be understood before we understand, when our mode of operation is to be always on the defense, and when we give by calculating the return on the investment. We do these things to protect ourselves from being hurt at the hands of others.

It’s common practice, even with those that we love the most, and that we know love us. It’s the condition of our fallen world. Just like Adam was quick to place the blame at Eve’s feet, we’re quick to defend ourselves from any potential injustice by deflecting the attack onto another. Instead of searching for how we can bless them, we’re angling for how we can protect ourselves.

It claims our hearts in subtle ways. We don’t want our spouse to make that purchase because it means we won’t be able to buy thing we want. We prepare the case for why our vacation idea is the better one even before we’ve heard theirs. We lash out to prove how the other has failed, hoping our own shortcomings will go unnoticed.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Instead, we could seek to bless [them] before we seek to protect [ourselves]. Here are some very simple ways:

• Don’t keep score  – One of the primary ways that we protect ourselves is by proving that we’re the better spouse (or boy/girl friend, sibling, friend, etc.). The only way we can do this is by keeping track – of every good thing that we’ve done, and every one of their lousy acts. If we don’t keep score, there’s no way to prove this, which means every day, every one starts from the same point. And if you’re all starting from nothing, there’s very little to protect and defend. Instead, you can get to the business of blessing.

•  Consider what you can give rather that what you can get – If we’re honest, a good portion of our time is spent angling for what we want in a relationship – where we want to go to eat, how we want to spend our time, who gets control of the remote. Instead of strategizing about how to get what we want, we could spend our time planning on what we could give. When you’re giving, you’re by definition not worried about protecting yourself because you’re intentionally sacrificing yourself. We need to focus our thoughts on new and creative ways that we could give, rather than new and creative ways that we can get. How could we “out-give” each other rather than how can we “out-smart” them?

• Be the first to forgive – There is no more vulnerable time in a relationship than when someone has messed up, except when both people have messed up. Someone has to be the first to extend forgiveness; let that be you. See if you can forgive the other person faster than they can forgive you. Extend the olive branch with the speed of a light saber.  Rush to reconciliation (and true restoration;  not “I’ll sweep this under the rug until I can use this against at a more strategic time.). It means swallowing your pride, true, but the sweetness of a right relationship is worth it.

While all of these may sound easy enough, they are a rarity in relationships. The reason is that we know if we approach things this way, we will be vulnerable, and vulnerability is seen as weakness. However, for the Christian we do not need to worry because we aren’t to rely on our own strength anyway (Psalm 28:7). Instead, our weakness is an opportunity for Christ to be stronger in our relationships, and that’s the biggest blessing and the best protection that there is.

It’s not uncommon to get cut off on a California freeway. It is uncommon to have a gracious response to such an incident. As is often stated, we tend to explain our behavior in terms of our intentions; we tend to explain the behavior of others in terms of the outcomes. When we cut off someone on the freeway, we quickly justify it because the baby needed our attention, we dropped something, or we simply didn’t see the other car approaching. When someone cuts us off the explanation is clear – they are a terrible driver who never should have been given a license.

While we may think this inclination is limited to strangers, it effects all of our relationships. We give our misdeeds generous justification, while quickly condemning the actions of others. It may be tempting to think that familiarity would inhibit this; one should be able to understand why someone they know well acts in the way they do, but unfortunately intimacy isn’t a barrier to prevention. In fact, we may be more prone to critique those closest to us, wrongly concluding that they should know better than to act in such an aggravating manner. We erroneously conclude that our way is the right way, and that we are the better partner for it.

In a management book on change, the authors provide a reason for this phenomenon. In their words “one reason we’re able to believe that we’re better than average leaders, and drivers and spouses and team players is that we are defining those terms in ways that flatter us.” In other words, our position of superiority comes from the inclination to describe excellence in terms of how we behave, and we are, by default, accomplished in that behavior. Others might not be, and therefore they suffer in our estimation of them.

What may be frustrating on the freeway, can be disastrous in relationships. After all, my standards of excellence may not mirror those of my spouse’s, but it’s my standards that I’m likely to use when evaluating their actions.  As a personal example, I can distinctly remember early on in our marriage when my husband folded the towels in the “wrong” way. In God’s graciousness, He stopped me from saying anything to “correct” him, realizing that “my” way was only the “right” way because I thought it was so. (And that if I ever wanted him to help with the laundry again, criticising such an inconsequential action was probably not the way to encourage future assistance!)

The point is this – there are some things in relationships that are rightly nonnegotiable. These are the things that Scripture calls us to, and we should rightly evaluate our actions (and the actions of others) in light of the truth of God’s Word. There are a thousand smaller things that aren’t this way, yet we treat them as if they are. In doing so, when our spouse/friend/boss/parent doesn’t live up to our standards, we think that they are somehow not a good spouse/friend/boss/parent. But if we redefined excellence in terms of what they are good at, if we used their standards of what makes a good spouse/friend/boss/parent, then suddenly they would be! And it’s their standards that are driving their actions; it’s their standards that are motivating them.

So perhaps our relationships could use a little more redefinition of what excellence looks like and a little less criticism.  Perhaps if we were quicker to celebrate what they did well, instead of evaluating what they did poorly, our relationships would be more encouraging. Perhaps if we consider their motivation rather than our evaluation, our relationships would be more gracious. Perhaps our relationships would flourish.

It certainly couldn’t hurt.