Relationships

Growing in Pleasure

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As a baby develops, every growth milestone is measured and marked. Height and weight are a part of this of course – but so are other developmental cues such as their first smile, their first word, and when took their first step. Mom and dad, grandparents, aunts and uncles and more, commemorate and celebrate the child’s progress to maturity.

Over time, careful attention to one’s development begins to wade. Celebrations are reserved for “special” events – not daily progress. No longer is each step towards growth noted for posterity.

However, in our relationships we should continue to celebrate growth, albeit of a different kind. We should be celebrating our loved one’s progress in maturity as it pertains to their relationship with God. Perhaps this is a more difficult kind of growth to measure – there are no yardsticks or scales that let us easily surmise how much development has occurred. However, its difficulty does not eschew its importance.  Just like new parents take delight in every milestone that their little one reaches, so should we take pleasure in in the spiritual development of those we love.

We know how to do this, even if we don’t do it often. After all, there are many things that we celebrate – achievements and awards, promotions and progress. Our lack of acknowledging spiritual progress isn’t because we are unaccustomed to taking pleasure in another’s accomplishments but because we haven’t made it a practice to pay attention to it. Instead of celebrating lesser things with unbridled enthusiasm, we would do well to find our greatest pleasure in our loved one’s growth in their relationship with God. This should be celebrated and acknowledged with as much gusto as any other “accomplishment.” And this should be the focus of our greatest encouragement as well.

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Relationships

Through New Lenses

Although we all know the benefits of walking in someone else’s shoes, rarely do we adhere to this adage. It’s easier to see things from our own perspective rather than through the perspective of another. This may be most readily visible on the freeway where we sheepishly apologize when we accidentally cut someone else off, but rage against the foolishness of granting another driver a license when they make us brake.
Of course, this is also true when we actually know the other person and not just when they are strangers on the open road. Although we may think it would be easier to see things from someone else’s perspective when we conceivably understand that person better, sometimes I’m not convinced that this is the case. Because we know them, we are tempted to fall back on our “defaults.” Unfortunately the assumptions of our defaults often cause us to make errors. 
There are at least three ways, however, that we can practice seeing things from a different perspective. I like to think of this as seeing things through a lens of grace. This doesn’t mean that there won’t be times that hard discussions will need to be had, but it does mean that we can take time to think whether this is one of those times, or whether seeing things from another vantage point will allow us to readjust our thinking (and perhaps our hurt feelings) in order to extend grace.
Three things that we need to consider doing are:
  • Give the benefit of the doubt – Oftentimes I find myself quick to jump to the conclusion of intentionality. By that I mean I assume that the other person meant to cause the damage or hurt feelings. However, I know in my own life there have been times where my actions have had very unintended consequences. When I can, my first response needs to be to give the benefit of the doubt. This doesn’t mean that I excuse sin; after all sin is an affront to God and needs to be addressed. But it does mean that I can at least start with the presumption that the personal impact was unintentional. Very often this allows me to consider first the good of the other person rather than my own inconvenience. (A Scripture verse that serves as a good reminder in this regard is Mt. 6:14.)

 

  • Ask questions – Perhaps nothing allows us to consider another’s perspective quicker than asking questions. This helps correct the assumptions that we made as well as provides us a common ground upon which we can discuss the situation. Perhaps there’s a reason that the trash wasn’t taken out or the meal wasn’t prepared. Until we ask questions the only information we have is our own. When we hear from the other person, we can understand the misalignment between each of our perspectives and come to a mutual understanding of the situation. (By the way – our questions shouldn’t be veiled accusations. They should be asked with the purpose of gaining insight not reaching a conviction.)

 

  • Remember what’s important – In business, we often talk about the “hill we want to die on” – meaning that there are only so many battles you can have so you need to pick which strongpoints you are going to defend.  It may be tempting to act like every disagreement calls for the Treaty of Versailles but that is unlikely to be the case. Scripture tells us that when we can, we should overlook an offense. This indicates that not every disagreement needs a confrontation. When we focus on only those things that are truly important, we are likely to realize that many of the things we argue about aren’t. In those cases, it’s often worthwhile to simply acknowledge that your opinions differ, but that’s ok. The goal of our lives, and especially of our marriages, is to reflect Christ well. If that’s our perspective, many other things will fade from our vantage point.

 

Walking in another shoe’s can be painful because often times we realize that their shoes don’t fit. Our preferences and our presumptions are different, and therefore are more convenient (to us). However, when we can see things through new lenses, when we can start look from their perspective, the situation may not change, but the manner in which we approach it certainly will.

 

 

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