As a mom of young kids, one of my “unofficial” roles is being the arbitrator who gets to choose our next activity or whose favorite dinner we are having on a certain night. Unfortunately, my role in these situations sometimes gives my kids the mistaken impression that I will also be the arbitrator of who gets to use what toy, or in administering justice when one of them perceives that they have suffered some slight by the hand of their sibling. Despite repeated attempts to draw me into their disputes, my response is almost always the same. “Work it out” I tell them. And usually, they do.
While some may see my response as insufficient, it’s my default setting for two reasons. The first, and most important, is that I want my children to learn that before they go to others with their frustrations and angst, they need to talk to the person who has offended them[1]. Secondly, I want them to learn how to navigate these situations on their own. Resolving conflict in a healthy way is a critical part of growing up, and I would rather they learn those skills under my tutelage then trying to figure it out when they have a disagreement with their boss.
However, despite my repetitive instructions to my kids, in my own life I find that I am often tempted to do the exact opposite of what I tell them to do. When I am frustrated at someone’s actions or when I believe someone has offended me, it is tempting to want to vent my annoyance to a trusted friend – hoping that they will see things the same way I do. For some reason we have convinced ourselves that sharing our concerns with another person will make things better, but it does not. Instead, under the guise of getting advice or asking for prayer, we invite others to join in our frustration and offense[2]. We win others to our side to validate our angst, and instead of a recipe for resolving the problem quickly, this compounds it, ensuring that relationships will remain fractured and restoration an elusive ideal.
But there is another option. Instead of involving others in our squabbles, we can choose to resolve the issue only with those who are directly involved. Additionally, we might decide that in this case, we are going to overlook the slight against us in order to bring God glory and praise. When we choose either of these paths, at least three things are likely to occur:
We squelch a problem – When natural disasters happen, authorities talk about an impact zone – the area that will be effected by the event. When we gossip about a situation with others, we are growing the impact zone – causing other people to be frustrated or experience angst for a problem that isn’t even of their concern. Conversely, when we deal with the problem directly, we minimize the damage it can cause. This is not only the quickest path to resolution of the issue, it is also the least destructive.
We win a friend – I have never heard of any relationship being strengthened by gossip or disparaging remarks. Conversely, many relationships have been bolstered because someone was willing to speak the truth to them in love and worked to resolve any conflicts directly with the other person. Your relationship with the person who offended you, and your relationship with the person you gossiped to, are both weakened when you invite others into your conflicts. Trust is the basis for relationship growth, and if people know that you will go to them directly with any issues or concerns, they will know that they can trust you – in good times and in difficult ones.
We honor God. – Last but certainly not least we glorify God when we deal directly with those who offend us. First, this shows love to those who He created, treating them as we would want to be treated. Secondly, we are obeying His instructions, and any time we are willing to sacrifice what we want to do for what God says we should, we are showing our love for Him. We might think that good comes from venting our frustrations to other people, but God says that good comes when we deal with the offending parties themselves. When we trust God enough to do things His way, our lives glorify Him.
Sometimes when conflict occurs, we think that we should just share it with someone else because “it’s not that big of deal” and we don’t want to make a big deal out of it by working to resolve it with the offender. The truth, however, is that if it is a big enough deal to discuss it with someone else, it is a big enough deal to lovingly and respectfully bring our concerns to the person who has caused them. Before we talk to someone else, we should talk to them. But before we talk to anyone, we should talk to God. Only He is able to bend the hearts of kings (Prov. 21:1) and He certainly can go before our conversations to ensure that even amidst conflict and discord, His will is graciously done.
In short,
just like we tell our kids to “work it out,” we should make sure that we are
doing the same, knowing that as we do so, not only will our relationships with
others be strengthened, but God will get glory and praise.
[1] It is worth noting that we also teach our children that there are times when they absolutely should get an adult involved – specifically if someone is harming them or others. For adults, there are also times where governing authorities need to be notified. In this particular discussion, I am not referring to these extraordinary situations.
[2]It is worth noting that we also teach our children that there are times when they absolutely should get an adult involve – specifically if someone is harming them or others. For adults, there are also times where governing authorities need to be notified. In this particular discussion, I am not referring to these extraordinary situations.
