Relationships

The Choice to Trust

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Years ago, I wrote about the importance of choosing to trust. I had learned that while being quick to be skeptical made it less likely that I would be hurt (although it didn’t prevent this in its entirety), it also made it less likely that I would have relationships with a firm foundation.  As I wrote at the time, “if we expect failure, people are often all too-willing to live up to our expectations.” We thus create what we suspect; we believe that we will be disappointed, and we are.

Yet, any good relationship requires trust. Sometimes this comes easy either because we have decided that we don’t have much to lose or because we have seen the person prove faithful in that area time and time again. However, when faced with new and difficult situations I find myself reverting to my previous habits. I want to control and dictate what will occur thereby “ensuring” the result that I want. I want to plan and strategize to mitigate the possible damage. In short, I place my trust in myself, which doesn’t leave much room for me to give it to anybody else. And the irony is that this probably causes just as much, if not more damage to my relationships than if I more freely relied on the people God has given me.

So, I must choose to trust. Not in a naive, flippant way, but in a way that acknowledges that God has graciously given me people who I can  depend on. I need to remember that trust doesn’t require perfection; if it did none of us would be able to trust or to be trusted. In my case, this means that when our family faces uncertainty, I need to let my husband know that I trust his leadership and the work that God is doing in His life. For younger readers, it may mean trusting their parents’ authority even if when they don’t understand the reasons for their biblical directions. For others, it may mean letting someone else help them, even if they want to do everything on their own. Things may not turn out the way that you want; it’s possible that they may turn out better. But even if they don’t, you can always trust the One who has ultimate control. You can make the choice to trust knowing that ultimately He is at work in the circumstance to bring out His good purposes, for your life, and for all His children.

It’s important that we use discretion with whom we trust. However, just because we can’t trust everyone, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t trust some people. We may be scared because choosing to trust means that we are letting go of a bit of our control. But in doing so we are also acknowledging the greatest blessings can’t be controlled.

 

 

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Relationships

Through New Lenses

Although we all know the benefits of walking in someone else’s shoes, rarely do we adhere to this adage. It’s easier to see things from our own perspective rather than through the perspective of another. This may be most readily visible on the freeway where we sheepishly apologize when we accidentally cut someone else off, but rage against the foolishness of granting another driver a license when they make us brake.
Of course, this is also true when we actually know the other person and not just when they are strangers on the open road. Although we may think it would be easier to see things from someone else’s perspective when we conceivably understand that person better, sometimes I’m not convinced that this is the case. Because we know them, we are tempted to fall back on our “defaults.” Unfortunately the assumptions of our defaults often cause us to make errors. 
There are at least three ways, however, that we can practice seeing things from a different perspective. I like to think of this as seeing things through a lens of grace. This doesn’t mean that there won’t be times that hard discussions will need to be had, but it does mean that we can take time to think whether this is one of those times, or whether seeing things from another vantage point will allow us to readjust our thinking (and perhaps our hurt feelings) in order to extend grace.
Three things that we need to consider doing are:
  • Give the benefit of the doubt – Oftentimes I find myself quick to jump to the conclusion of intentionality. By that I mean I assume that the other person meant to cause the damage or hurt feelings. However, I know in my own life there have been times where my actions have had very unintended consequences. When I can, my first response needs to be to give the benefit of the doubt. This doesn’t mean that I excuse sin; after all sin is an affront to God and needs to be addressed. But it does mean that I can at least start with the presumption that the personal impact was unintentional. Very often this allows me to consider first the good of the other person rather than my own inconvenience. (A Scripture verse that serves as a good reminder in this regard is Mt. 6:14.)

 

  • Ask questions – Perhaps nothing allows us to consider another’s perspective quicker than asking questions. This helps correct the assumptions that we made as well as provides us a common ground upon which we can discuss the situation. Perhaps there’s a reason that the trash wasn’t taken out or the meal wasn’t prepared. Until we ask questions the only information we have is our own. When we hear from the other person, we can understand the misalignment between each of our perspectives and come to a mutual understanding of the situation. (By the way – our questions shouldn’t be veiled accusations. They should be asked with the purpose of gaining insight not reaching a conviction.)

 

  • Remember what’s important – In business, we often talk about the “hill we want to die on” – meaning that there are only so many battles you can have so you need to pick which strongpoints you are going to defend.  It may be tempting to act like every disagreement calls for the Treaty of Versailles but that is unlikely to be the case. Scripture tells us that when we can, we should overlook an offense. This indicates that not every disagreement needs a confrontation. When we focus on only those things that are truly important, we are likely to realize that many of the things we argue about aren’t. In those cases, it’s often worthwhile to simply acknowledge that your opinions differ, but that’s ok. The goal of our lives, and especially of our marriages, is to reflect Christ well. If that’s our perspective, many other things will fade from our vantage point.

 

Walking in another shoe’s can be painful because often times we realize that their shoes don’t fit. Our preferences and our presumptions are different, and therefore are more convenient (to us). However, when we can see things through new lenses, when we can start look from their perspective, the situation may not change, but the manner in which we approach it certainly will.

 

 

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