Growth

Grieving With Grace

As I previously wrote about, recently one of my dear friends was welcomed into Heaven much sooner than any of us expected. I miss my friend immensely, and while I am not unaccustomed to grief, because his wife is also one of my closest friends, this particular experience is doubly piercing; I grieve my friend’s departure, and I weep over the great loss that his wife endures. And yet, even as I mourn with her, I am comforted by the fact that her faith has not been shaken. She recognizes that God was not surprised when her husband entered into eternity, and while we were not expecting this turn of events, God is good; God has a plan; and it is our continued job to follow Him. In the midst of her pain, she is not clinging to how she thought her life would be, but is holding fast to the One who will give her everything that she needs. In the throes of grief, she is gripping on to grace. And as she does so, she has taught me a lot about what it means to mourn in a way that honors God. When it comes our turn to contend with suffering and pain, here are four things we should seek to do to ensure that amidst our heartache, we glorify our King:

Look To Jesus

From the day her husband went home to be with Jesus, my friend has fixed her eyes on their Savior. While she recognizes that the road ahead will be filled with challenges and difficulties, she has confidence that God will see her through them. In the moments of sorrow, she has leaned on Him. In the moments of need, she has rested in Who He is. When the path seems uncertain, she has relied on His wisdom to get her through it. It is no surprise that one of her favorite hymns is “Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus” because that is what she has consistently done. And this is what we should do. Whether in times of grief, or in times of goodness, our hearts and our minds should be fixated on our Savior and King. We need to look to Jesus to be all that we need, because, whether we have great need or great abundance, it is only in Him that we have everything.  We need to train ourselves to look to Jesus in the day-to-day so when the moments of trial come, it is our automatic response to turn our eyes upon Him.

Give Others Grace

Everyone I know who has experienced sudden loss can tell stories of the silly and seemingly thoughtless things that others have said and done. With good intentions, people will make comments that in the moment seem extremely insensitive. Time and time again, my friend has extended grace to others when they say or do things that make me cringe. She recognizes that they mean well, and that few people know how to artfully navigate this road. She knows that they do not intend to cause her further pain and she chooses to extend them forgiveness and love, even if they don’t realize that they need it.

Of course this is a lesson that goes beyond seasons of grief. We would all probably do well to extend others more grace – to view their actions with the best of intentions rather than with the worse. This is what we would want others to do for us. And choosing to overlook an offense, is one way that we can bring God glory even amidst our pain.

Point to Jesus

On the evening that her husband went Home to be with Jesus, my friend and I sat around her kitchen table chatting. As we did, she quickly recognized one of the ways that she had experienced God’s mercy that very day. As she walks the path of grief with her kids, she repeatedly directs their thoughts and their minds to Christ. Not only is she looking to Jesus, but through her words and her actions she is encouraging others to do the same. She is deflecting the focus off of her and onto the One who is her comfort and her strength.

While it may seem like it takes a “super-Christian” to do this, I have observed that pointing people to Christ is simply a matter of recognizing how He is providing and clearly articulating the goodness that we have experienced from His hands.  People pay attention to us when we are in pain and the last thing that a lost world expects us to do is to give Christ glory in the midst of our suffering. When we do so, when we purposefully catalog His daily mercies, we can prayerfully hope that this will encourage others to see His goodness in their own lives as well.

Lean on the Body of Christ

Sometimes when we are going through pain, we are tempted to become insular as we wrestle with our grief. However, if we are part of the body of Christ, this is the time that we should be leaning on our brothers and sisters in Christ. One of the reasons God called us to be a part of local body of believers is because He knew that we would need them to be His hands and feet in our moments of need. It can be humbling to lean on others, but this is the role of the body of Christ.

One of the things that I admire most about my friend is that she was quick to accept offers of help. Although normally she is  quite capable of doing all that needs to be done, she realized that not only did she need others’ love and support, but by accepting it, she was helping them as they grieve her husband’s passing. In other words, she was being a blessing to others by allowing them to bless her. This may seem counter-intuitive but I had a front row seat to watching it occur. While we may be prone to do things on our own and refuse offers of assistance, we would be wise to remember that this is not how God has called our brothers and sisters to respond to our needs. We should let our family in Christ help us because in doing so, they are being obedient to God’s command to serve others in love.  And when we are willing to accept the help of others, they are more likely to accept our help when they are in seasons of challenge and pain.

 

Graceful Strength

As my friend mourns her husband’s passing, many people have commented on her strength. She would be the first to tell you that the strength she exhibits is not her own. Instead, she is firmly reliant upon the goodness and the provision of Jesus Christ. And on any given day, if you ask her how she is doing, she will likely tell you that she is doing good – not because she doesn’t miss her husband, but because she knows the One who is the Giver of all good things and she trusts that she is still firmly in His grasp. She experienced God’s kindness when He redeemed her, and amidst this great pain, His kindness remains. And because she not only recognizes this, but is grateful for it, she is putting God’s grace on display even as she grieves.

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Growth

Five Years Later

Five years ago my dad received his ultimate promotion. In many ways, it is hard to believe that it has been five years. His presence is still so pronounced, his absence is still so significant, that it is easy to think that he has merely been gone for a bit, but his return is expected soon. Conversely, a lot has changed since he has been gone. In just my little family, my husband has earned a master’s degree and started a new career; we have two wonderful children; we have sold and bought a house, and our lives have changed in a myriad of small ways that would be unfamiliar to my dad if he were to suddenly reappear. Along the way, families that we love have experienced searing loss and we have cried with them – not only because we grieve their loss, but because we have a new understanding of the ache that resonates in their bones and the hole in their hearts. Yet, it has been a good five years. We are older, wiser, and five years closer to joining my dad in eternity.

As I think back about how these five years have shaped me, what I wrote about grief one year after our good-byes still reflects many of my thoughts. And yet, there are additional lessons I have learned as my dad’s Homecoming is further in the rearview mirror. Here are some of them:

  • Time Changes Wounds – As I previously wrote, I am a firm believer that despite the prevalence of the adage that “time heals all wounds” – it is just not true. The loss of my dad is still painful and I imagine it will be until I am in glory. He was such a force in the lives of all who knew him, that it is impossible to not acknowledge and mourn his absence. Yet, while the pain is still there, it is not as jarring as it once was. Sure, there are moments where it still takes me by surprise, but overall, his loss is like an extra appendage I carry. It is there, it is heavy, but I have adjusted to it. The wound is not healed (nor, quite frankly would I want it to be), but a “new normal” has risen alongside it.
  • Make a Difference, Make a Mark – When my dad passed away, my mom asked people who attended his memorial sentence to write down words that described him. The goal was that his grandchildren would have a way to learn who their poppa was. What I have realized is that each of those words represents a story of how my dad made a difference in someone’s life. People don’t primarily remember someone’s character traits; they remember how those character traits changed things for them. We talk a lot about “leaving a legacy” when you are gone. I have come to learn that legacies by and large are not made by sweeping gestures or overwhelming personality. It is the moments of “tiny” impact – of being the person that God has called us to be and loving Him and loving others – that forge a legacy that will stand.
  • Remembering Matters – Every year one of my friend texts me to acknowledge the anniversary of my dad’s passing. It is a relatively simple and unassuming gesture, but it means so much to me. In the months that followed his death, as people went on with their lives, there was the tendency to feel like our family was in our own little world with our grief. The text that I receive each year reminds me that others carry the burden too. They help me know that, while grief is not a shared experience, and our family is forever changed, our brothers and sisters in Christ are there to help us along the way.
  • Keep Your Eyes on the Prize – A sweet friend from church recently buried her husband. In her blogs and social media posts, she often reminds us that we are one day closer to eternity. It is a great acknowledgement that regardless of what the day holds, we know this – for the Christian each day is one step closer to the day when we will be face to face with our King. This should prompt us to make the most of the day – knowing that the things that matter will be the things that matter in eternity. And it should cause us to look at the inconveniences and hurdles in life in light of the reality of God’s ultimate plan. The day may be difficult, the journey may be hard, but for the Christian, respite is promised and assured. This may not change our circumstance, but it should change how we consider and approach it. Our pain may not lessen, but we can cling to God’s faithfulness as we grieve.

With all that has changed over the last five years, it can seem like my dad has missed out on so much. Yet I am confident that from his perspective the last five years have been just a blink. My dad’s passing was a loss for us, but a gain for him.  He had finished what God had called him to do and heaven was his reward. Five years later we know that as long as God gives us another breath to breathe there is still work left for us to do. May we faithfully do so, until that day that we are with Him.

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