Relationships

Competing Affections

Most of the time when we think of “competing affections” we are probably thinking of the tension that exists between two good things that we like:

– The desire to be alone v. The desire to be with our friends

– The desire to buy something we want v. The desire to save our pennies

– The desire for ice cream v. The desire for chocolate

(of course, a rational person would realize that you could just have chocolate ice cream and satisfy both desires, but that’s a different lesson.)

In relationships, there often seems to be a different kind of competition .  Our significant other may feel like that they have to compete with our other interests for our affections and attention:

– The husband may feel that the wife neglects him to go spend time with her friends.

– The wife may struggle with her husband’s desire to watch sports over spending quality time with her.

And the list goes on and on. After the initial warm fuzzies that stir the beginnings of a relationship seem to fade, the struggle between sacrificing what we want for the good of the other takes hold, and we realize that there is an ongoing battle for our time, attention and affection.

However, that might not be the only competition for affection in our relationships. In godly relationships, there is also the struggle to outdo each other in showing one another love. This is not a struggle between what we want and what the other person desires, but a fight to be the first to forgive, the first to sacrifice, the first to say “I’m sorry.” This is a competition between who can be the first to put their affection for the other person in front of their desire for anything else. A “fight” to see who can show the most love.

It’s a biblical way to live. After all, Romans 13 commands us that we should constantly feel the debt of love towards our brothers and sisters in Christ, and by implication, be striving o “pay back” this debt. How much more so should this be true in a marriage! In a society where we are constantly concerned with what we are owed, it is wise to think of what we owe, and to realize that we can never “pay up” when it comes to showing one another love.  But we should try! And in a romantic relationship we should be outdoing one another in the attempt.

It’s easy to have a competition between what we want, and what is good for the relationship. It’s harder to see the struggle that should exist between who can show love first and farthest. But maybe if we had more of these types of competitions, our relationships would freer of the other kinds.

 

P.S. – I hope its implied, but just in case its not, it would be unwise to have a competition for affection with the desire of being able to proclaim oneself the victor. This shouldn’t be about “winning” but by competing with ourselves to constantly show the other person greater deference.

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Relationships

Remembering

In the beginning of relationship, you tend to remember every little milestone.

The first date, the first kiss, the first “I love you.”

As time marches on, however, we tend to forget. It’s hard to remember the first date, when you’re on you’re 100th. Or the first kiss, when you’ve have so many more. The significance of the milestones seem to fade, and with them, perhaps the meaning behind the once-special and now-routine moments we share.

It’s not something that’s unique to romantic relationships. After all, throughout Scripture, God commands His people to “remember” – to remember what He has done for them; to remember how He has demonstrated His love; to remember the moments that He has proven Himself time and time again. In doing so, in remembering His faithfulness of the past, we are often strengthened to face the future.

And the same principle applies to personal relationships. In holding the memories of the past close, we can fully see not only how far we’ve have come, but dwell on the path that we’ve trod to get there. In doing so, we are reminded of the love, affection and faithfulness that we have benefited from along the way.

I thought of this as my husband and I celebrated our engage-iversary. You may have never heard of that before but it’s quite simply the anniversary of the date we got engaged. Every year we acknowledge it. Some years in significant ways; other years by simply reflecting on it. Either way, we remind each other of the date because in remembering it, we are brought back to that wonderful day when he asked me to be his wife, and I answered “yes.” As we celebrate that date, we ask and answer all over again.

We also celebrate our date-iversary – the anniversary of our first date –  for similar reasons. While it seem cheesy to some, we always make note of it, for we can see not only how our love began, but the miles it has grown since that first dinner at Chili’s. In reflecting on that day, our gratitude for each other and for how God has molded us increases, and we appreciate the innocence and excitement of a first date as well as the blessings of all our time since then.

This is how we remember. We remember dates. For others, it may be different. For my dad, it was telling stories of how he sang to my mom, and how she sent him brownies and cards during his deployments. The “how” isn’t important, it’s the remembering that matters. Because in remembering, not only do you reflect on the past, your gratitude for the present grows, and you are strengthened for your future.

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