nawinter.com

Recently, I wrote a post about What Women Want. Working with college students as a professor, and as a volunteer at my church, I’ve learned that this is a question that most guys want answered. After all, as the saying goes, “women are a mystery.” Yet, most women don’t think this. They think that guys just don’t understand them.

In the comments that followed the post an interesting point was raised.. Most guys don’t know what gals want, and most gals think guys don’t understand them because of one simple reason – girls aren’t very good at articulating their priorities.  They think they are, but they aren’t.

This is what I mean. Ask a girl to list what she wants in a guy, and these are some common responses:

1) A good job.

2) A sense of humor.

3) Serves in the church.

4) Good family.

5) Treats his mom well.

These all sound like very good things, but if you think about it, they aren’t really what the girl is after. What she’s after is:

1) Someone who will take care of her.

2) Someone she can laugh at.

3) A growing Christian.

4) Who will be a good dad.

5) And will continue to treat her well long after her beauty fades.

We (women) are confusing the causes with the effects. We’re looking for the outcomes that we think indicate the things that we desire, rather than articulating our actual concerns.

And this isn’t something that’s limited to dating relationships. Just like we often confuse our causes and effects in discussing our future mate, so we do when we are in discussions with that mate.

We get mad when the laundry conveniently misses the hamper, when our real concern is that our care of the home isn’t appreciated.

We get upset at what he wants to spend time doing (watching sports, playing video games, etc.) when our real worry is that he doesn’t want to spend time with us.

We grow frustrated when his timeline and plans don’t conform with ours because we aren’t sure if we can really trust our future with hm.

And while our anger is focused on the outcomes, the root of the issue may never get resolved.

Which is one of the reasons I love the story of Esther.

Here’s a woman who clearly and concretely presents her concerns. And she focuses on the cause of that concern – Haman.

Now she doesn’t do this without some work. As my pastor‘s wife says, Esther prays, plans and then presents. But when she presents – she is clear about her concern.

And so should we be.

Because despite our opinion to the contrary, guys aren’t mind readers. If we tell them we want something, but it’s not really what we are after, they’re going to focus on what we say, not on what we don’t.   And we might miss out on a really great relationship, or on deepening our relationship with our spouse, because we’re not focused on the cause, and are just worried about the effect.

Women are a mystery.

This statement is said so often we’ve begun to just accept it as true.  In fact, it has permeated our culture. In 2000, Mel Gibson starred in What Women Want, a movie that pondered what would happen if a guy could hear everything that goes on in women’s heads. Around the same time, a popular song by Christina Aguilera seemed to answer this question as she boldly proclaimed What a Girl Wants. Both these vestiges of pop culture were based on the same thing – that guys, for the most part, don’t know what women want., and these venues sought to provide answers.

It’s not surprising that we don’t find a lot of true answers from movies and pop songs.  After all, most of the time the standard of these girls is different for the standard for the woman who is pursuing God. So it begs the question – what does the girl who is following Christ want? Although the list probably varies from person to person, there are some commonalities that I think exist. So whether you are a guy trying to be the man that a Christ-following woman needs, or a gal who is trying to determine whether a guy meets the standards, here are a few things to consider:

• A man who is growing in Christ – Please notice that I didn’t say a “Christian.” Unfortunately, this has become too simplistic of a distinction. People may say that they are a Christian because they grew up in church, because they are American, or simply because that’s what they think you want to hear. A woman of God, however, needs someone who is growing in Christ. The man should be someone who is passionately pursuing their Savior, and in doing so, is someone who can motivate and encourage others to passionately pursue Him.

• A man who will treat her like a princess – Along with the first thing listed, this is what my parents prayed for their girls. They wanted to us to marry someone who loved Christ and who treated us like a princess. Now this doesn’t mean that a woman wants someone who she can boss around – a loyal subject. What it means is that the woman wants someone who will cherish and honor her in the same way that a country cherishes and honors their royalty. Women want someone who will protect them and defend them – and not only  against physical attacks, but who will protect and defend their heart from hurt as well.

• To laugh – I hesitated in putting this on the list because I don’t want every guy thinking he has to be a stand-up comedian. But, here’s the thing – life is difficult. It’s good to have someone that you can laugh with. That doesn’t meant that the guy has to daily come up with a bunch of jokes, but it does mean that they are willing to find humor in some of the more inane moments of life. And when I talk to girls about what they are looking for in a guy, “sense of humor” is almost always on the list. Plus, there’s this to consider –   true laughter happens with those that you are comfortable with – and a woman wants someone that she can be herself around.

I’m sure that there are more things that different women would add to this list. But this is a start. And perhaps in thinking through these things we find that women aren’t such a mystery after all.