Relationships

Trust, respect, and a lesson from a dog

Trust, Colorful words hang on rope by wooden peg
©iStockphoto.com/AnsonLu

About a month or so after my husband and I got married, we decided we needed to get another dog. It was something we had talked about for a while leading up to the wedding, since the dog I had could use a friend. Somehow it made sense in our minds to wait until after the wedding to launch in to the crazy world of introducing another dog into the house, and we figured a few weeks was enough time to take on this new adventure. The challenge was that on that particular Saturday, I had a bridal party to attend. So my husband decided he would go to the shelter by himself “just to look.” Of course, it wasn’t long before I started getting text messages with pictures of dogs that were in need of new homes. “Just to look” quickly became “adopting today.”

Before my husband left on his quest, we agreed on a few things:

1) We wanted a female dog (the dog I had was male.)

2) She needed to be young and comparable in age to the puppy I already had.

3) She needed to be smaller than my existing dog (so as to minimize the competitive dynamic that would be created.)

We realized that these greatly limited our search, but were comfortable that these parameters would help create a successful transition in our home.

Imagine my surprise then when the initial text images I received were of an older, bigger, male dog!

A phone conversation quickly followed.

And as I listened to my husband explain why he was considering this dog that fell completely outside our given parameters, I found myself saying to him “If this is the dog that you think should be part of our home, I trust you to make that decision.”

It was a small, but significant moment in our marriage.

Although I had realized intellectually that I needed to trust my husband to make decisions that would effect my life for years to come, this was where the rubber met the proverbial road. I couldn’t see the dog, I could’t verify my husband’s instincts or provide another alternative to consider, I simply had to choose whether or not to trust him and the wisdom God had given him. And I realized trusting him often has as much to say about my character as it did about his. After all, I wouldn’t have married him if I didn’t think that he was a man worthy of my trust. But now I had to choose whether I was going to depend on my old self-reliance, or actually live according to the vows I had made to honor and respect him by relying on his wisdom. Choosing the latter was challenging (because of who I am, not because he was unworthy of such dependence), but in doing so, it strengthened our marriage.

And as we have faced new decisions and new moments of uncertainty in the years since, I’ve realized time and time again that it is difficult to say that I am following the Ephesians 5 command to respect my husband if I am unwilling to trust him. We may think that we can separate these two things, but in reality I don’t see how. And just like I can choose to show my husband (or anyone else) respect, I can make the decision to trust him. Even when, maybe especially when, the bigger picture seems to be clearer to him than it is to me.

In a somewhat comical turn of events, we didn’t end up getting the dog (although that decision had little to do with my surprise over the selection and everything to do with some issues related to that particular pup.) The dog we did get was male, only slightly bigger, and young. God, however, used the instance to teach me something about what it meant to practically live out my vows to love, honor and respect the man that I had married, and how saying you’ll trust, and actually trusting can be two very different things.

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Relationships

Change, Helping and a Lack of Trust

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©iStockphoto.com/artist unknown

At the start of a relationship, people often focus on all the good characteristics of the other person. Listening to someone describe their new-found love interest, one could get the impression that the object of their affection can do no wrong. It is easy to list all the compelling reasons for their interest – and to neglect to consider all the potential shortfalls in the other’s character. We are all prone to the allure of the “rose-colored glasses” and seeing in another person what we want to see.

Of course, given time in a relationship, this is apt to change. Many are all-too-quickly able to list their spouse’s shortfalls, and may do so on a regular basis. Many, particularly women, see this as an opportunity to “fix” the other person. “I can change him” is a mantra too often adopted, and rarely succeeds.

The challenge is that we may start off on this quest with good intentions. It may be our desire to “help” the other person by addressing perceived gaps in their character or the way they do things. What we fail to recognize is that almost always if we are “helping’ someone, they see and appreciate the benefit of what we are doing. Too often this is not the case as what was once “loving reminders” become a fixation on changing who the other person is. It is not considered “helping” if what we are really doing is trying to conform the other person to our desires and preferences. There are other, less flattering words that better describe this proclivity.

What we fail to realize is that our intentions of “fixing” the other person ultimately reveal a lack of trust. The reason that we want them to conform to what we think is best is because we trust in our process, abilities, or character more than we do theirs. Of course, if the issue is one of obedience to God’s Word, it should be our desire that they would conform to this standard – but it should be because we want what is best for them – not because we are able to use Scripture to support the position that we have already established. Just because our spouse handles something differently, does not necessarily mean that their way of doing so is wrong. God’s Word and not our preferences should be the barometer that we use to evaluate actions.

Additionally, when we think it is our job to “change” someone else, we demonstrate a lack of trust in the work that God is doing in that person’s live. This is likely an easier issue to tackle in a relationship where both parties are Christians. If this is the case, we should be able to trust that as the person seeks God, He will convict and direct them in the manner that pleases Him (which may not necessarily be the same thing that pleases us) (Phil 2:13). However, even if only one person is a believer, they should trust that God is doing to use them do His work in their loved one’s live; their job is to live in a manner that is pleasing and obedient to Him – it is up to Him to use that obedience to accomplish His purposes for the other person (See I Peter 3:1).

In short, our desire for our loved ones should be God’s best in their life. To define what this is, we should use His Word, not our preferences. And we should not be so foolish to think that we will be able to bring this about by sheer effort or determination. Instead, we must trust that as we obey Him, He will use us to accomplish what He desires, and that our relationships will be strengthened as a result.

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