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Upon meeting my husband, people often comment to me, “He seems like a great guy.” The reason for this impression is because it’s true, and I quickly assure them of this. In fact, my response usually is, “He is a great guy. After my salvation, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.”  I say this for two reasons. First, it gives a honest representation of the blessing that my husband is and has been to me. Secondly, because it’s an important reminder that while my husband is awesome, he is not the most important thing in my life.

That last statement may seem harsh to some, but it is not intended to be. Instead, it is meant to reflect that while there are hundreds of reasons to love my husband, my primary reason has very little to do with him – and mostly to do with my relationship with Christ. In other words, because God graciously saved me through the death and resurrection of His Son (I Cor. 15:3-4), my desire is to live my life to please Him. He has made it clear in His Word that one of the most important ways we do this is through our marriages. Marriage was a gift from God (Gen. 2:18), and is a representation of the relationship between Christ and His Church (Eph. 5:22-33). Therefore how I consider my husband, how I talk about him, and how I treat him should reflect the importance that God places on marriage. I love my husband first and foremost because I love God. Pleasing my Heavenly Father is the priority, my husband gets spot number 2.

If you were to talk to my husband, this wouldn’t come as a surprise to him. In fact, he fully supports this order of deference, and if you are unmarried and looking for a spouse, doing so should be one of the criteria you have in place. And I support the same order of priorities for him. On the good days, it’s a reminder of ultimately Who gets credit for the blessings of our marriage. On the challenging days, it’s a reminder of Who ultimately we are displaying our commitment to when we respond to each other. Having God in the top spot in each of our lives means that even when we temporarily aren’t on the same page – we are both working towards the same thing: bringing Him praise.

I’m exceedingly grateful that God saw fit to give me a wonderful man as my spouse. I’m even more grateful that He rescued me from sin and death so that I might have a relationship with Him. And in order for our marriage to be great, it’s the relationship we have with Christ that must drive our relationships with each other.

When my husband and I were engaged, we decided, as a very “modern” couple, to do all our gift registering online. One evening as I logged on and started going through the myriad of options for towels, bathroom accoutrements, kitchen appliances, and more, I would show him pictures and ask for his opinion. After a few noncommittal responses were given, the following conversation took place:

Me – “Honey, I want you to be involved in the process. What if I pick out a vase and every day you come home and think ‘I hate that vase.’ I don’t want that.

My sweet hubby – “If I were to pick out a vase it would probably be a Lakers one so really, whatever you pick out is fine.”

It was a reveling moment for me. I realized that what I thought was doing good to my husband was different than what he considered. I had heard so many stories of brides who made every decision about the wedding and the husband felt like he had no part in it. I didn’t want that to be true for us, so I tried to involve him in the process, forgetting to actually find out what was important to him, until that very moment.

It’s a lesson that’s important for every relationship. We hear the “Golden Rule” and in an attempt to follow it, we think about what what we would like and then do the same thing for others. What we forget is that the particular expressions may change for individuals. For example, most people would like to feel included. But some people want to feel included by being invited to a large social event, while others would prefer a one-on-one conversation over coffee. Doing good to others, especially our spouse, means finding out what those particular differences are and seeking to bless them by doing those things.

In my husband’s case, he could care less about which vase or brand of kitchen mixer we registered for. What he did care about was having all his groomsmen wear Red Converse sneakers and asking one of his friends to play the keyboard. Both of those things happened at our wedding. And in the process, I learned an important lesson about what it meant to embody the characteristic of Proverbs 31:12 that an excellent wife does good to her husband and not harm “all the days of her life.”