My children are at an age where they love to race. Whether it’s who can pick up the toys the quickest, or who will be the first to get to the parked car, seemingly everything is more fun if you are trying to beat someone else to it. This has turned into a handy parenting tip – if I want something to happen quickly it helps to make it a competition!
As we get older, we tend to lose our love of racing. Very rarely do we compete to see who can turn in their expense report first, or who can put away the clean dishes the fastest. But there is at least one arena where we should adopt this behavior – just like my kids strive to be the first to put away their clothes, we should race to be the first to extend forgiveness and restore a broken relationship. In other words, we should race to reconcile.
This may seem like an odd arena in which to compete, and in reality, we aren’t competing against others but against our own pride and stubbornness. Too often, when we get into disagreements we dig in our heels, waiting for someone else to make the first move, as if offering an olive branch somehow compromises the justice of our cause. But as Scripture makes clear, God sent His Son to Earth to die for our sins, even while we were still His enemies (See Rom. 5:8, 10). If Christ could condescend to offer us love even while we were opposed to Him, how much more should we seek to give love and grace to His children when they seem in opposition to us? In fact we should be eager to do so because as we love others we demonstrate our love for the One who sacrificed for us (Mt. 22:39, John 13:35, 14:15).
Of course, this isn’t easy. It is difficult to offer kindness in the midst of
hurt. But there are at least four things that will help us win this race:
Be Humble
When we disagree with others, it is easy to see how we are right and they are wrong. However, in most instances, there are reasons that the other person holds their view, just like there are reasons that we hold ours. If we are humble and think less of ourselves and more of the other person, it will go a long way towards helping us see their perspective. This doesn’t necessarily mean that our opinion will change, but it does mean that we are more likely to extend grace and kindness even as we differ. If we are humble, we will care more about how we treat the other person than how we can win the fight.
Keep Perspective
When my husband and I got married, my dad exhorted us to follow the instruction in Ephesians 4:26 not to let the sun set on anger. Since then, there have been a few times where in the midst of an argument, I realized that I cared more about getting a good night’s sleep than convincing my husband to see things my way. This instruction from my dad has served as a great perspective barometer. If sleep is more important to me then the argument is probably pretty insignificant. And if I don’t truly care that much about what we are arguing about, why not acquiesce, setting aside my own preferences for his?
The converse of that is sometimes I have realized that, despite the fact that I’m truly tired, whatever we are discussing is more important than sleep. This helps maintain my perspective too. It helps me focus on what really matters instead of the side issues that can often emerge during a disagreement. If we can focus on what is truly significant, and leave the trivial and menial aside, we are more likely to resolve our differences and move to restoration.
Apologize, Don’t Justify
Although it may not be true in every circumstance, many times when there is a fracture in relationship, both parties have contributed. The other person may be 90% in the wrong, but you can, and should own the 10% for which you are responsible. Be mindful, though, of how you own it. Seek to apologize without trying to simultaneously justify your action. If our apologies sound something like “I’m sorry, but…..” it is likely not a genuine apology. Recognize how you contributed to the relational fissure and sincerely ask for forgiveness for what you did wrong. This will not only help prevent you from any further sin amid the disagreement (because if we know we have sinned, we are hopefully less likely to continue down that path), but a genuine apology to the other person will help quicken the pace of reconciliation.
Forgive, Completely.
I Corinthians 13 tells us that love keeps no records of wrong and Psalm 103:12 tells us that when God forgives us, He casts our sins as far as the east is from the west. Recognizing that we have been forgiven of so much, and so completely, should motivate us to extend the same type of forgiveness to others. Let’s be intentionally eager to extend forgiveness to those around us, and let us not do so halfheartedly, waiting for the opportunity to bring up past misdeeds. Tell the other person that they are forgiven and avoid saying “it’s ok” or some other halfhearted measure. Let our relational record books be cleared, with all the relationships that God has called us to steward, and if you are married, especially with your spouse.
A Race Worth Winning
It may seem silly to consider reconciliation in terms of a race. However, in my own life, I have found it motivating to try to be the first to work towards relational restoration. And while I don’t keep score, I do know this, the more eager I am to seek reconciliation, the better I am at reflecting Christ’s love in all my relationships, when in agreement, and when there is discord.
