Growth Relationships

Common Confidence

When we are young, we learn all sorts of new things. Somewhere along the way we learn how to match – we learn how to see two objects and realize that they are the same. (Hopefully somewhere along the way we’ve also learned how to color-coordinate – but that’s another story.) In elementary school, they test for this. Can a child see two objects, identify that they share common characteristics and group them together? If so, it demonstrates an ability to observe and organize – skills that are valuable as the child learns increasingly new information.

Sometimes it can be difficult to apply these same skills to our relationships with other people. We know that we need “common ground” in order to relate to one another, but there doesn’t seem to be any foundation on which to build. There may be occasions where we strive to identify those shared characteristics, but most of the time, we don’t even work that hard. If they aren’t immediately apparent, we just assume that there is no natural affinity between us.

For Christians, however, we always share something in common, namely the confidence that we have in Christ.  Because we rely on Him, and Him alone, for our salvation as well as our sanctification and to sustain us, we are joined together in the most important ways.  And it’s important to encourage each other with reminders of this truth.

We can see this in Colossians 2:1-5. Paul is concerned with the churches he has yet to visit, because he wants to encourage and strengthen them; he wants those churches to mature (See The MacArthur Bible Commentary, John MacArthur, 2005). He knows that this depends on their recognition of and deepening of their “assurance” or their confidence in Christ.  As they are joined together in love for one another, he wants them to spur each other on to a deeper and greater understanding and reliance on the One that they serve. Even though he can’t visit, he knows that their hearts will be encouraged as their shared confidence in Christ and their love for one another, propels them to an even greater assurance of who they are in Him.

It can be a hard truth to remember. When another believer disappoints us, when we seem to disagree, it can be hard to see that we have anything common. Yet what we do share is the one thing that will remain after our disaapointment fades and our disagreement ends; it is what will last for eternity.

People can be joined together for all sorts of reasons. They like the same music, the same sports, or the same style of clothes. For Christians though, our affection for each other is rooted in our common confidence in Christ. May this be what we look to when we are tempted to let our affection wane, knowing that, with fellow believers, our “common ground” is the firm foundation of Christ.

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Relationships

Breaching Security

The security industry is big business. Every year organizations and individuals spend about $15 billion in the US alone protecting themselves from unwanted intrusions. Considering that a single breach in data security can cost an organization over $7 million, this appears to be money well spent.

However, it’s not just from break-ins and breaches that people protect themselves. We all have means of protecting ourselves from heartache, discouragement and despair. We put up barriers but they aren’t made of metal and plywood or complicated computer codes – they are constructed by our actions: when we seek to be understood before we understand, when our mode of operation is to be always on the defense, and when we give by calculating the return on the investment. We do these things to protect ourselves from being hurt at the hands of others.

It’s common practice, even with those that we love the most, and that we know love us. It’s the condition of our fallen world. Just like Adam was quick to place the blame at Eve’s feet, we’re quick to defend ourselves from any potential injustice by deflecting the attack onto another. Instead of searching for how we can bless them, we’re angling for how we can protect ourselves.

It claims our hearts in subtle ways. We don’t want our spouse to make that purchase because it means we won’t be able to buy thing we want. We prepare the case for why our vacation idea is the better one even before we’ve heard theirs. We lash out to prove how the other has failed, hoping our own shortcomings will go unnoticed.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Instead, we could seek to bless [them] before we seek to protect [ourselves]. Here are some very simple ways:

  • Don’t keep score  – One of the primary ways that we protect ourselves is by proving that we’re the better spouse (or boy/girl friend, sibling, friend, etc.). The only way we can do this is by keeping track – of every good thing that we’ve done, and every one of their lousy acts. If we don’t keep score, there’s no way to prove this, which means every day, every one starts from the same point. And if you’re all starting from nothing, there’s very little to protect and defend. Instead, you can get to the business of blessing.
  •  Consider what you can give rather that what you can get – If we’re honest, a good portion of our time is spent angling for what we want in a relationship – where we want to go to eat, how we want to spend our time, who gets control of the remote. Instead of strategizing about how to get what we want, we could spend our time planning on what we could give. When you’re giving, you’re by definition not worried about protecting yourself because you’re intentionally sacrificing yourself. We need to focus our thoughts on new and creative ways that we could give, rather than new and creative ways that we can get. How could we “out-give” each other rather than how can we “out-smart” them?
  • Be the first to forgive – There is no more vulnerable time in a relationship than when someone has messed up, except when both people have messed up. Someone has to be the first to extend forgiveness; let that be you. See if you can forgive the other person faster than they can forgive you. Extend the olive branch with the speed of a light saber.  Rush to reconciliation (and true restoration;  not “I’ll sweep this under the rug until I can use this against at a more strategic time.). It means swallowing your pride, true, but the sweetness of a right relationship is worth it.

 

While all of these may sound easy enough, they are a rarity in relationships. The reason is that we know if we approach things this way, we will be vulnerable, and vulnerability is seen as weakness. However, for the Christian we do not need to worry because we aren’t to rely on our own strength anyway (Psalm 28:7). Instead, our weakness is an opportunity for Christ to be stronger in our relationships, and that’s the biggest blessing and the best protection that there is.

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