In The Practice of Godliness by Jerry Bridges, the author recounts how a friend of his, a former Marine, would frequently sign his letters, “Keep tough and tender.” This closing was intended to remind the recipient (and likely the sender too) to be disciplined with themselves, but to be gracious to others. Our tendency, unfortunately, is to flip this around. We are gentle with ourselves and rigid with those around us. We give ourselves the benefit of the doubt but presume the worse in the person that we think has wronged us. It is easy to know our own good intentions when we commit an unintended error; it is difficult to provide similar grace to others when we are the ones who are inconvenienced or offended.
Although we might expect this lack of gentleness in the world we live in, too often the same type of attitude can be found amongst the family of God. Too frequently we are quick to point out the speck in someone else’s eye, all the while ignoring the log that protrudes from our own (Mt 7:3-5). I believe that most of the time this is done unintentionally. We are not purposefully obscuring our sin by thinking more highly of ourselves that we ought, but such is the insidiousness of pride. Despite our desires to the contrary, we are quicker to see the wrong in others than that which prevails in our own heart.
Therefore, it is important that we keep tough and tender. We should be tough on ourselves; disciplined to put to death any evidence of sin, reluctant to excuse our misbehavior due to extenuating circumstances or principled motives. Like Paul (I Cor 9:24-27), we should approach our sanctification with the commitment of an athlete, desiring to root out any deviation from God’s standards knowing it makes us less effective and less qualified in service to Him. When others provide us feedback that might help us run our race with more vigor and produce more honor to God, we should graciously receive it, eager to do whatever we can to make ourselves better prepared and more fit for the tasks that God has given us. We should be tough on ourselves, keeping our eyes firmly fixed on God and recognizing the great distance we must traverse to be conformed into the image of His Son.
At the same time, we should be tender to others, recognizing that the race God has called them to run is distinct from the path that He has set before each one of us. We should be patient, encouraging them as they run after Jesus, quick to remove any stumbling blocks we may be tempted to set in their way. Like dedicated sports fans, we should be cheering on our fellow sojourners in Christ, delighting in overlooking an offense when the pure bond of Christian unity is strengthened by doing so. Our goal when confronting sin amongst the family of God should be reconciliation and restoration (Mt 18:15-17; Col 3:13; Eph 4:32), just as is the desire of our Savior (Luke 23:34; Col 1:20-22; Ro 5:8,10). We should sacrifice our preferences for the good of our brothers and sisters; we should compete to show others the type of love that Christ showed us (Ro 12:10). Our aim should be that when others interact with us, they experience the grace and mercy of God.
When we are tough on ourselves and tender to others, in many ways we confound the world’s expectations. Of course, we should never do either of these things to such an extent that we compromise biblical standards and the Truth of God’s Word. In other words, we don’t want to be so tender to others that we excuse sin, caring more about people’s feelings than we do their eternal standing with God. And we don’t want to be so tough on ourselves that we forget that we are a redeemed child of the Heavenly King, fearfully and wonderfully made is His image. But although we might want to think otherwise, for most of us neither of these extremes is probable. Instead, we are tempted to use the possibility that someone could take this saying too far to justify our own inaction and resistance. But this response likely reveals an area in our heart where we aren’t tough enough on ourselves, or we aren’t committed to tenderness towards others, which is why the first word of the saying is so critical. We must keep being tough and tender, recognizing that it will be a daily battle to live disciplined lives, while at the same time being patiently gracious to those around us.
Beloved child of God – keep tough and tender. Be disciplined in your walk with God; show mercy to others in theirs. As we do so, may our lives increasingly look more like our Savior’s.
