Relationships

Race to Reconcile

My children are at an age where they love to race. Whether it’s who can pick up the toys the quickest, or who will be the first to get to the parked car, seemingly everything is more fun if you are trying to beat someone else to it. This has turned into a handy parenting tip – if I want something to happen quickly it helps to make it a competition!

As we get older, we tend to lose our love of racing. Very rarely do we compete to see who can turn in their expense report first, or who can put away the clean dishes the fastest. But there is at least one arena where we should adopt this behavior – just like my kids strive to be the first to put away their clothes, we should race to be the first to extend forgiveness and restore a broken relationship. In other words, we should race to reconcile.

This may seem like an odd arena in which to compete, and in reality, we aren’t competing against others but against our own pride and stubbornness. Too often, when we get into disagreements we dig in our heels, waiting for someone else to make the first move, as if offering an olive branch somehow compromises the justice of our cause. But as Scripture makes clear, God sent His Son to Earth to die for our sins, even while we were still His enemies (See Rom. 5:8, 10). If Christ could condescend to offer us love even while we were opposed to Him, how much more should we seek to give love and grace to His children when they seem in opposition to us? In fact we should be eager to do so because as we love others we demonstrate our love for the One who sacrificed for us (Mt. 22:39, John 13:35, 14:15).


Of course, this isn’t easy. It is difficult to offer kindness in the midst of hurt. But there are at least four things that will help us win this race:

Be Humble

When we disagree with others, it is easy to see how we are right and they are wrong. However, in most instances, there are reasons that the other person holds their view, just like there are reasons that we hold ours. If we are humble and think less of ourselves and more of the other person, it will go a long way towards helping us see their perspective. This doesn’t necessarily mean that our opinion will change, but it does mean that we are more likely to extend grace and kindness even as we differ. If we are humble, we will care more about how we treat the other person than how we can win the fight.

Keep Perspective

When my husband and I got married, my dad exhorted us to follow the instruction in Ephesians 4:26 not to let the sun set on anger. Since then, there have been a few times where in the midst of an argument, I realized that I cared more about getting a good night’s sleep than convincing my husband to see things my way. This instruction from my dad has served as a great perspective barometer. If sleep is more important to me then the argument is probably pretty insignificant. And if I don’t truly care that much about what we are arguing about, why not acquiesce, setting aside my own preferences for his?

The converse of that is sometimes I have realized that, despite the fact that I’m truly tired, whatever we are discussing is more important than sleep. This helps maintain my perspective too. It helps me focus on what really matters instead of the side issues that can often emerge during a disagreement.  If we can focus on what is truly significant, and leave the trivial and menial aside, we are more likely to resolve our differences and move to restoration.

Apologize, Don’t Justify

Although it may not be true in every circumstance, many times when there is a fracture in relationship, both parties have contributed. The other person may be 90% in the wrong, but you can, and should own the 10% for which you are responsible. Be mindful, though, of how you own it. Seek to apologize without trying to simultaneously justify your action. If our apologies sound something like “I’m sorry, but…..” it is likely not a genuine apology. Recognize how you contributed to the relational fissure and sincerely ask for forgiveness for what you did wrong. This will not only help prevent you from any further sin amid the disagreement (because if we know we have sinned, we are hopefully less likely to continue down that path), but a genuine apology to the other person will help quicken the pace of reconciliation.

Forgive, Completely.

I Corinthians 13 tells us that love keeps no records of wrong and Psalm 103:12 tells us that when God forgives us, He casts our sins as far as the east is from the west. Recognizing that we have been forgiven of so much, and so completely, should motivate us to extend the same type of forgiveness to others. Let’s be intentionally eager to extend forgiveness to those around us, and let us not do so halfheartedly, waiting for the opportunity to bring up past misdeeds.  Tell the other person that they are forgiven and avoid saying “it’s ok” or some other halfhearted measure. Let our relational record books be cleared, with all the relationships that God has called us to steward, and if you are married, especially with your spouse.

A Race Worth Winning

It may seem silly to consider reconciliation in terms of a race. However, in my own life, I have found it motivating to try to be the first to work towards relational restoration. And while I don’t keep score, I do know this, the more eager I am to seek reconciliation, the better I am at reflecting Christ’s love in all my relationships, when in agreement, and when there is discord.

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Relationships

Work It Out

As a mom of young kids, one of my “unofficial” roles is being the arbitrator who gets to choose our next activity or whose favorite dinner we are having on a certain night. Unfortunately, my role in these situations sometimes gives my kids the mistaken impression that I will also be the arbitrator of who gets to use what toy, or in administering justice when one of them perceives that they have suffered some slight by the hand of their sibling. Despite repeated attempts to draw me into their disputes, my response is almost always the same. “Work it out” I tell them. And usually, they do.

While some may see my response as insufficient, it’s my default setting for two reasons. The first, and most important, is that I want my children to learn that before they go to others with their frustrations and angst, they need to talk to the person who has offended them[1]. Secondly, I want them to learn how to navigate these situations on their own. Resolving conflict in a healthy way is a critical part of growing up, and I would rather they learn those skills under my tutelage then trying to figure it out when they have a disagreement with their boss.

However, despite my repetitive instructions to my kids, in my own life I find that I am often tempted to do the exact opposite of what I tell them to do. When I am frustrated at someone’s actions or when I believe someone has offended me, it is tempting to want to vent my annoyance to a trusted friend – hoping that they will see things the same way I do. For some reason we have convinced ourselves that sharing our concerns with another person will make things better, but it does not. Instead, under the guise of getting advice or asking for prayer, we invite others to join in our frustration and offense[2]. We win others to our side to validate our angst, and instead of a recipe for resolving the problem quickly, this compounds it, ensuring that relationships will remain fractured and restoration an elusive ideal.

But there is another option. Instead of involving others in our squabbles, we can choose to resolve the issue only with those who are directly involved. Additionally, we might decide that in this case, we are going to overlook the slight against us in order to bring God glory and praise. When we choose either of these paths, at least three things are likely to occur:

We squelch a problem – When natural disasters happen, authorities talk about an impact zone – the area that will be effected by the event. When we gossip about a situation with others, we are growing the impact zone – causing other people to be frustrated or experience angst for a problem that isn’t even of their concern. Conversely, when we deal with the problem directly, we minimize the damage it can cause. This is not only the quickest path to resolution of the issue, it is also the least destructive.

We win a friend – I have never heard of any relationship being strengthened by gossip or disparaging remarks. Conversely, many relationships have been bolstered because someone was willing to speak the truth to them in love and worked to resolve any conflicts directly with the other person. Your relationship with the person who offended you, and your relationship with the person you gossiped to, are both weakened when you invite others into your conflicts. Trust is the basis for relationship growth, and if people know that you will go to them directly with any issues or concerns, they will know that they can trust you – in good times and in difficult ones.

We honor God. –  Last but certainly not least we glorify God when we deal directly with those who offend us. First, this shows love to those who He created, treating them as we would want to be treated. Secondly, we are obeying His instructions, and any time we are willing to sacrifice what we want to do for what God says we should, we are showing our love for Him. We might think that good comes from venting our frustrations to other people, but God says that good comes when we deal with the offending parties themselves. When we trust God enough to do things His way, our lives glorify Him.

Sometimes when conflict occurs, we think that we should just share it with someone else because “it’s not that big of deal” and we don’t want to make a big deal out of it by working to resolve it with the offender. The truth, however, is that if it is a big enough deal to discuss it with someone else, it is a big enough deal to lovingly and respectfully bring our concerns to the person who has caused them. Before we talk to someone else, we should talk to them. But before we talk to anyone, we should talk to God. Only He is able to bend the hearts of kings (Prov. 21:1) and He certainly can go before our conversations to ensure that even amidst conflict and discord, His will is graciously done.

In short, just like we tell our kids to “work it out,” we should make sure that we are doing the same, knowing that as we do so, not only will our relationships with others be strengthened, but God will get glory and praise.

[1] It is worth noting that we also teach our children that there are times when they absolutely should get an adult involved – specifically if someone is harming them or others. For adults, there are also times where governing authorities need to be notified. In this particular discussion, I am not referring to these extraordinary situations.

[2]It is worth noting that we also teach our children that there are times when they absolutely should get an adult involve – specifically if someone is harming them or others. For adults, there are also times where governing authorities need to be notified. In this particular discussion, I am not referring to these extraordinary situations.

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