Relationships

Through New Lenses

Although we all know the benefits of walking in someone else’s shoes, rarely do we adhere to this adage. It’s easier to see things from our own perspective rather than through the perspective of another. This may be most readily visible on the freeway where we sheepishly apologize when we accidentally cut someone else off, but rage against the foolishness of granting another driver a license when they make us brake.
Of course, this is also true when we actually know the other person and not just when they are strangers on the open road. Although we may think it would be easier to see things from someone else’s perspective when we conceivably understand that person better, sometimes I’m not convinced that this is the case. Because we know them, we are tempted to fall back on our “defaults.” Unfortunately the assumptions of our defaults often cause us to make errors. 
There are at least three ways, however, that we can practice seeing things from a different perspective. I like to think of this as seeing things through a lens of grace. This doesn’t mean that there won’t be times that hard discussions will need to be had, but it does mean that we can take time to think whether this is one of those times, or whether seeing things from another vantage point will allow us to readjust our thinking (and perhaps our hurt feelings) in order to extend grace.
Three things that we need to consider doing are:
  • Give the benefit of the doubt – Oftentimes I find myself quick to jump to the conclusion of intentionality. By that I mean I assume that the other person meant to cause the damage or hurt feelings. However, I know in my own life there have been times where my actions have had very unintended consequences. When I can, my first response needs to be to give the benefit of the doubt. This doesn’t mean that I excuse sin; after all sin is an affront to God and needs to be addressed. But it does mean that I can at least start with the presumption that the personal impact was unintentional. Very often this allows me to consider first the good of the other person rather than my own inconvenience. (A Scripture verse that serves as a good reminder in this regard is Mt. 6:14.)

 

  • Ask questions – Perhaps nothing allows us to consider another’s perspective quicker than asking questions. This helps correct the assumptions that we made as well as provides us a common ground upon which we can discuss the situation. Perhaps there’s a reason that the trash wasn’t taken out or the meal wasn’t prepared. Until we ask questions the only information we have is our own. When we hear from the other person, we can understand the misalignment between each of our perspectives and come to a mutual understanding of the situation. (By the way – our questions shouldn’t be veiled accusations. They should be asked with the purpose of gaining insight not reaching a conviction.)

 

  • Remember what’s important – In business, we often talk about the “hill we want to die on” – meaning that there are only so many battles you can have so you need to pick which strongpoints you are going to defend.  It may be tempting to act like every disagreement calls for the Treaty of Versailles but that is unlikely to be the case. Scripture tells us that when we can, we should overlook an offense. This indicates that not every disagreement needs a confrontation. When we focus on only those things that are truly important, we are likely to realize that many of the things we argue about aren’t. In those cases, it’s often worthwhile to simply acknowledge that your opinions differ, but that’s ok. The goal of our lives, and especially of our marriages, is to reflect Christ well. If that’s our perspective, many other things will fade from our vantage point.

 

Walking in another shoe’s can be painful because often times we realize that their shoes don’t fit. Our preferences and our presumptions are different, and therefore are more convenient (to us). However, when we can see things through new lenses, when we can start look from their perspective, the situation may not change, but the manner in which we approach it certainly will.

 

 

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Relationships

Forgive First

It’s not uncommon for people to talk about their distaste for conflict. When a situation develops that needs to be addressed, it’s tempting to want to head for the hills – hoping that someone else will handle the issue. There may be a little bit more comfort in initiating an uncomfortable discussion with those that we love, but even then it’s not uncommon to find a man or a woman complaining about their significant other rather than talking to their significant other. It seems easier to address the issue with someone else, rather than the person with whom the issue exists.

Scripture tells us that we should handle conflict differently. First, it says that if we can, we should overlook the offense against us. While at times this may be difficult, by God’s grace – it’s not impossible. Of course, it’s important when we choose this route that we are doing it for the good of the other person, and not to avoid a situation that will be difficult for us. If, for instance, we recognize that this particular sin is unlikely to be repeated and the only purpose of confronting it would be to bring restitution to us, we may choose to brush our “rights” to restitution aside and overlook the offense. However, if the situation needs to be addressed because a continued pattern of sin is being developed, than oftentimes the most loving thing we can do is to talk about it with the other person. We may be willing to overlook it, but if it’s creating discord in their relationship with God,  we should address it.

The real question becomes how we should address it and again, Scripture makes this clear. It says to go to the person, not to anyone else, and bring the issue before them. The purpose of this dialogue is to restore the other person – into a right relationship with you, the person the person they offended, but more importantly into a right relationship with God. If this is the goal – if this is our aim – I’m increasingly convinced that we need to forgive them before the confrontation ever begins. After all – restoration is difficult if both people are at odds with each other. If the person addressing the issue has already forgiven, then with love and compassion they can help the offending individual see the consequences of their sinful actions. It doesn’t mean that having the confrontation is any less difficult, but it does mean that you can enter the conversation with confidence that your focus is on the good of the other – because you have already forgiven the sin against you.

While this may be easy to write, this isn’t easy to do. To offer forgiveness before it is sought is only possible because we recognize how much our Heavenly Father has forgiven us. In all honesty, the closer that the person is to us, the harder it is because we think that they should “know better” than to hurt us in this way. And in all likelihood, maybe they should. But God’s own children – the ones that He created – sinned against Him. Our decisions to act contrary to His will were the reasons that His Son willing gave up His throne room in Heaven in order to die a gruesome death on the cross. If He was willing to go to such extremes to offer us a restored relationship, can’t we forgive others who sin against us?

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